The Top 10 Relationship Questions, Answered!

恋爱中的十大问题

Question 1. Are they interested in me?

问题1 他们对我感兴趣吗？

Hmm, there really is ONLY one way to find out if someone is interested in you, I think you'll agree, and it isn't asking me or a friend or even a friend of the person you're interested in. Ask the person directly, and find out for yourself!

实际上只有一种方法知道某个人是否对你有兴趣，我想你也会同意这个方法，那就是直接问那个人，自己找出答案，而不是问我，问朋友，或者问你感兴趣的那个人的朋友。

The thing about relationships is that they have to involve some element of risk for them to be worthwhile being involved with. That's just how it works. And that risk is quite often evident at the beginning of a relationship.

一段恋情总得有值得投入进去的冒险因素。道理不过如此。并且那一点风险也是在恋爱初期显而易见的。

"Oh no!", you think to yourself, "I asked her out and she's just not interested in me! What will I do?" You'll live, that's what you'll do, and you'll start to feel stronger in who you are as a man or as a woman because you act on your convictions.

“噢，不！”你对自己说，“我约她出去，但是她对我不感兴趣！我该怎么办？”你该继续生活，这就是你该做的事。你会觉得自己内心开始强大起来，不论你是男是女，因为你忠于你的信念。

Question 2. Why won't they commit to me?

问题2 他们为什么不对我做出承诺？

It is said that men are commitment-phobes, and maybe they are in comparison to women who knows. But, usually, when someone doesn't want to commit to a person, or a course of action, it's because they're not sure it's the right thing to do. It's that simple. Now the reason why they're not sure, that might take some finding out, and is beyond the scope of this relationship questions article, but you will be able to find out via good communication.

据说男人都害怕做出承诺，或许只是他们比不上深谙承诺的女人。但是通常一个人不想对另一个人做出承诺，或者对另外一件事情做出承诺，是因为他们不确定那是一件该做的事。就是这么简单。而他们不确定的原因可能要花点时间才能找出来，也可能已经超过了这篇讨论恋情问题的文章的范畴，但是你们能够通过良好的沟通来找到答案。

So talk to this person, and see what their concerns are. Listen, but listen well, and learn.

所以和这个人谈谈，看看他们的顾虑到底是什么。听，认真听，并且领会。

Time for another quote about relationships, I think:

我想再和大家分享一句关于恋情的话：

"When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment." — Warren Farrell

“当女人拖着不和男人结婚，我们称之为独立；当男人拖着不和女人结婚，我们称之为害怕做出承诺。”——沃伦·法雷尔

Question 3. How to deal with controlling relationships?

问题3 如何处理控制型的关系？

Hmm, the need to control comes from a false belief that that's the only way to get what a person wants from someone. They don't know any better, basically. And if you can show this person that they really can trust you (that they really can trust themselves) in this relationship then you might, just might, be able to help this person let go of their controlling behaviour.

控制的需求来自一种错误的信念，那就是认为控制是从别人那里得到自己想要的唯一的方式。他们不知道更好的方法。如果你能让他们在恋爱中信任你（他们真的可以相信自己），那么你可能，只是可能而已，能够帮助这个人摆脱他的控制行为。

Good luck.

祝好运。

Question 4. Why don't they trust me?

问题4 他们为什么不信任我？

Usually, a person doesn't trust someone because they don't trust themselves.

通常来说，一个人不相信其他人是因为他们不相信自己。

Example. I'm worried that my woman might be cheating on me, say, and so I check up on her all the time (and I start to be the type of controlling man in Q3.) And I do this because I wrongly believe I won't be able to cope if she IS cheating. I'm worrying myself over something that's probably not going to happen 'just in case'. But if I believed in myself, trusted myself to be enough, I'd be far more likely to trust my woman. And if she ends up cheating on me, then I know I'll be able to cope with the situation, know it's her and not me. I move on. I don't take it personally. Simple.

例如，我担心我的女人会背着我出轨，所以我随时查她的行踪（这样我就成了问题3中的控制狂）。我这么做的原因是我误认为如果她真的出轨，我没办法应对。我担心自己会遭遇某些可能不会发生的事情，只是以防万一。但是如果我对自己有信心，足够相信自己，我会更加相信我的女人。如果到头来她真的有了其他人，那么我也会知道自己能够对付这种情况，知道这是她的问题，而不是我的问题。我会继续生活，不会往心里去。就是这么简单。

Question 5. How far should I travel for love?

问题5 我为了爱能走多远？

There are those that say that long distance relationships don't work, that sooner or later someone will have to move to the other person's locale; and on that day the balance of power will have irrevocably shifted.

有些人说远距离恋爱没有结果，总有一天一个人会搬去另外一人的所在地，而到了那一天，天平就不可避免地开始倾斜。

What do I say? I say that you should find a quiet space in yourself, and ask yourself whether this person is worth it, whether the distance is worth it. And each person will have their own answers, here…

这个问题我怎么看呢？我认为你应该平静下来，问问自己这个人是否值得你那么做，值得你跨越这段距离。每个人会有自己的答案。

Question 6. How can I get them to… ?

问题6 我怎么样才能让他们…?

Hmm, isn't it interesting how these relationship questions overlap? This sounds suspiciously like the other side of the controlling question (see Q3).

这些恋爱问题不断重叠难道不是很有意思吗？这个问题很像控制型恋情问题（问题3）的对立面。

A better question would be, "Why do you want them to…?" Find out the answer to that question, with some honest self-examination, and then share the results with your partner. I will help the both of you, for sure, doing so.

更好的问法是“你为什么想让他们…？”找到这个问题的答案，诚实地自省，然后与你的伴侣分享你的结果。这对你们俩肯定会有帮助。

After all good communication like this is at the heart of healthy relationships, no?

毕竟，像这样良好的沟通是健康关系的核心，不是吗？

Question 7. Importance of sex in relationships?

问题7 恋情中性爱的重要性？

How important is sex in a relationship? Very. Or not at all.

恋情中性爱有多重要？非常重要，还是一点也不重要。

Seriously, this is a question to ask yourself. Again, quieten your mind for a few moments and ask this of yourself (if you don't know yet). Then listen to the answers that come. It's called intuition, this, and is a far better source of wisdom than some random article on the Internet claiming to know all the answers (to the top 10 relationship questions).

事实上这个问题要问你自己。还是静下心来几分钟，问你自己这个问题（如果你不知道）。然后听听答案。这叫做直觉，这与网络上声称知道（这10大难题）答案的文章相比是更好的智慧来源。

Note: I find a little bit of self-effacement always helps in relationships. Well, definitely in article writing, anyway.

注意：我发现谦逊一点在恋情中大有帮助。反正在写文章的时候绝对有帮助。

Oh, and when you know whether it's important or not, then that's your answer no matter what other people think (including your partner).

哦，当你知道性爱到底重不重要的时候，不要理会别人怎么想（包括你的伴侣），那是你的答案。

Question 8. How do I learn to trust again?

问题8 我如何学着再次相信？

Relationships bring risk. There are no guarantees. Nothing, least of all relationships, is certain.

恋爱有风险，没有保证。在恋爱中没有什么是确定的。

Understand these things, and know that you cannot know how a relationship will work out. And then, then you'll know it's time to get involved again, time to take risks. (Listening to the wisdom you've accrued from making previous mistakes, I politely suggest.)

懂得这些，知道你无法掌控一段恋情是否会有结果。然后就是时候再次投入、再次冒险了。（从你以往的错误中学习，我只能这样建议。）

Now, time for another relationship quote:

现在再来一句恋爱名言：

"We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy." — Walter Anderson

“我们相信别人的时候最脆弱——但自相矛盾的是，如果我们不能相信，我们也不能找到真爱和快乐。”——沃尔特·安德森

Question 9. Why do we keep breaking up?

问题9 为什么我们一直分手？

Love and relationships can do that to you, sometimes – mess you up! And it can be oh so frustrating.

爱情和恋情有时候会让你一团糟！也会让你沮丧。

Basically speaking, your relationship's not working. And, more importantly, you're not working – you're not listening to your inner wisdom enough, here, and you're not trusting that whatever happens in this relationship – you break up, you get back together – that things will be okay. They will. Just trust yourself more. Things will be okay. They will.

基本说来，你的恋情并不顺利。更重要的是你也没有用心，你没有听取你内心的话语，你也并不相信，不论你的恋情中发生了什么，分手抑或复合，一切都会好起来的。是的。只要更相信自己，一切都会好起来的。

Question 10. Should I leave them?

问题10 我应该离开他们吗？

Yes.

应该。

No.

不应该。

It depends.

看情况。

(Really, you need to find some quiet time here and answer this question for yourself. Nobody knows better than you, whether you should leave someone or no! Not your Mum, not your best friend, and not your partner. You know best. Always. But only when you quieten your mind, make some space, and let the wisdom come through… )

（你真的需要平静下来，自己找答案。没有人比你更加了解你应不应该离开某个人！你的妈妈、最好的朋友、或者恋人都不知道。你自己最清楚。但是只有你自己静下心来，拥有一些空间，才能找到真正的答案…）

Actually that last bit sums up any relationship wisdom I could ever wish to share with someone: you already know, you just think you don't! Make time for yourself, let go of the chattering/fearful thinking, and see what 'inner knowing' comes in its place.

实际上最后一点是总结一切恋情的至理名言，我也一直和别人如此分享：你早已知道答案，你只是觉得自己不知道！给自己点时间，抛开扰人的/恐惧的想法，听听“内心的声音”怎么说。