Here we are with our blazing flames and just a few close friends.
(Actually, it's just me and the cameraman.)
But this question was written in by someone in response to a three-part series that I had done on the "Art of Asking Questions."
And this person just said, "Hey, can you give us some tangible questions to actually ask?"
So, I will do that because that's such a great question.
Let's pretend you're at a party. This is how you do it.
"Hi, what's your name?"
"Are you in school?"
"Where did you grow up?"
"Tell me about your family."
"Come here often?"
And that's how it's done. Thanks for writing in.
No—this isn't rocket science.
Those are basic stock questions that I know you know how to ask—I know how to ask—but the difficult thing for you and me is listening to the answer.
So when you're at a party and you are...you know, see Bill and you're like "Hey, Bill."
And you wanna ask him some questions; ask him, you know, "What do you do?" "What are your hobbies?" or whatever, and then pay attention to what he gets excited about.
Listen to the verbal answer, but also the non-verbal answer.
What does he get...you know, and so if he's like, "I, you know, I really love climbing trees blindfolded.
Wow—you know, sometimes we can go, "Well, I don't like climbing blind trees folded." What?
I don't like climbing trees blindfolded, so I guess Bill and I don't have anything kinda in common.
Guess I'll get back to the punch bowl.
No—you go, Wow, this is something really unique about Bill, and take the time to go, Okay, if he's excited about this, I wanna learn more.
Be inquisitive.
I don't know if it's our social media and being able to say what we're doing and how we're feeling all the time, but I think we've kind of lost the ability to go, wonder what this person's thinking, wonder what they're, you know, passionate about, so pay attention to that.
And then compare it to yourself and go, Wow, I don't have a passion for blindfolded tree climbing, you know, or I don't even have the ability to do what Bill does.
And just pay them a compliment, honor them, just because it's a nice thing to do—you know, when someone is taking the time to say something nice to you.
I think we have this fear of doing this.
"What messages are we gonna send people?" No—get over that and just do it!
And then even more, what I love is, like, if I'm talking with somebody, and then somebody else comes up, and the person that I've been talking to says to that person,
"Hey, did you know that Joy's been doing this, this, and this?"
I mean, that makes you feel so cool.
And so, I wanna make a practice of engaging anybody in that way, where I listen to them, I pay attention to what excites them, I honor them, and then I honor them publicly.
If we can't do that in our regular friendships, then when we're in the day-in and day-out of marriage and you just get used to somebody,
it's really gonna be difficult for us to stop, ask questions, listen to their answers, pay attention to their dreams and the things that they get excited about, and then honor them—privately and publicly.
This is a practice we need to do now because I do believe it'll affect our marriage.
So, I know I've really stretched that out of, like, "How do I ask quetions at a party?" to, like, projecting onto your marriage.
But as you can tell, this is something I get passionate about.
So, I appreciate you asking the question and good luck at the next party with Bill, the tree climber.
On the next Ask Joy, Joy finally attains full creeper status.
Just go to a party, ask her what she does, see what she gets excited about—squirrels, treats, whatever... ...fleas.
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