在财务上依赖于他人，让不少人都有被困住了的感觉，而且在某些情况下，还会陷入“财务虐待”的恶性循环。那如何摆脱财务依赖，把控自己的人生？

演讲中，会计师Estelle Gibson分享了她自己走出财务依赖的故事，分析了产生财务依赖的原因，并向那些渴望自由的人提供了实用可行的建议：要对自己的钱负责。


(点击右边三个点，可调整速度，电脑上可下载)

I grew up in a family where my father managed all of the money. But for some reason, when I was eight or nine years old, he started showing me things about money. We would sit at the kitchen table, and he d show me all the bank books.

我在一个由父亲管理所有钱的家庭中长大。但由于某种原因，当我八、九岁时，他开始向我展示一些关于钱的事情。我们坐在厨房的桌子旁，他会开始给我看所有的银行存折。

Now, that was back in the day before the internet, when we used to have little books that we used to keep our information in. And he would show me how he saved in these accounts, and he d pay bills out of these. And every time he would show me something about money, he would end by saying, "And don t you tell your mother."

但是，那是在互联网出现之前，我们曾经使用存折去储存我们的信息。他会告诉我他如何保存这些账户，然后用这些钱来支付账单。每当他向我展示一些关于钱的东西时，最后都会附上一句，“千万不要告诉妈妈。”

Now, to this day, I really don t know why he said that, but what I do know is, to that eight-year-old girl sitting at the kitchen table, it meant, "Don t say a word."

直到今天，我都完全不知道他为什么这么说，但是我知道的是，对于坐在厨房桌子旁的八岁女孩，这意味着“一个字都不要说。”

Years later, when I got my first job, my father said, "You ll bring me your check, and I ll put it in the bank for you." But because of what he taught me years before, I said, "I d like my bank book." And to my surprise, he gave it to me. Right then, at 16 years old, I began managing my own money.

几年后，当我找到第一份工作时，父亲说：“你要把你的支票给我，我会为你把它存进银行。”但是因为他在几年前教我的事，我说：“我要我自己的银行存折。”让我惊讶的是，他把存折给我了。在那时，十六岁的我，开始管理我自己的钱。

I went on to college and then to start my new career as a CPA, but now, with students loans, getting an apartment and a new job, I began the roller-coaster ride of accumulating debt, paying it off and accumulating more.

大学毕业后，我开始了注册会计师的职业生涯，但是现在，背负了学生贷款，找到了住所和新的工作，我开始了“积累债务—还清债务—积累更多债务”的跌宕起伏的财物之旅。

Many years later, after getting married, I went through an unexpected divorce, and I was left with a house I couldn t afford and bills I couldn t pay.

多年以后，我经历了一次意外的离婚，我无法负担余下的房屋贷款和账单。

You might be wondering, "How does that happen to someone that s educated and skilled at managing people s money?" I had reverted back to what I learned growing up: that one person managed all the money. I had handed over my financial power, and I had become financially dependent.

你可能想知道，“这件事为什么会发生在一个曾经受过高等教育，并且善于与钱打交道的人身上呢？”我从自己的成长经历开始反思：即一个人管理所有的钱。我交出了我的理财权，并产生了财务依赖。

Financial dependency is when someone is dependent on a person, a job or a situation for money, and they feel trapped. People fall into two categories: dependent with choice and dependent without a choice.

财务依赖是指某人在财务上依赖于他人，一份工作或者是一份收入，然后他们就会感觉被困住了。这样的人通常分为两类：有选择的依赖和没有选择的依赖。

Someone is dependent with choice when they hand over their financial power and their participation. It can happen in personal or business relationships when one person doesn t want to be involved with the money, so they hand over the responsibility to a spouse, a partner or a professional, like an accountant or a manager.

有选择的财务依赖指的是，人们选择交出理财权，并不再参与财务管理。这种情况可能发生在个人或者业务关系中——当一个人不想参与财务管理时，会将责任移交给配偶、伙伴或者专业人士，比如会计师或经理。

This was my situation. I spent all day long managing other people s money, so I was relieved that my husband was interested and good at managing ours. I was free! For the first time since that first job at 16 years old, I didn t have to be responsible for managing my money.

这就是我当时的情况。我整天都在管理别人的钱，所以当我的丈夫表现得感兴趣，并且擅长管理家庭财务，我开始感到如释重负。我解放了！自从16岁的第一份工作以来，我终于不必负责管理我的钱。

But what I failed to realize was what felt like freedom was really dependency. My mistake is that I didn t stay involved or understand what was going on with our money.

但是我没有意识到的是，所谓的自由其实是一种依赖。我的错误是，我没有参与其中，或者了解家里的收支状况。

You may have experienced this yourself, or you may have heard stories of celebrities or professional athletes that have relied on family, friends and others to manage their money, and they are left broke, bankrupt and betrayed because they made the choice to hand over their financial power.

你可能自己经历过，或者可能听过名人或专业运动员如何依靠家人、朋友和其他人管理自己的钱，导致他们破产了或者被出卖了，因为他们做出了交出财务权力的选择。

Someone that s dependent without a choice feels trapped because of their financial situation. They can be in a job or career where they re unhappy or being harassed but they can t afford to leave.

一个没有选择的依赖者会因为他们的财务状况而感到被困住了。他们可能在一份工作或职业中感到不开心或受到了骚扰，但是他们无法承担离开的代价。

Or, someone that s had to move in with family and friends because they ve had an illness or gone through a divorce or experienced a tragedy, and now they re financially dependent on others.

还有一些人因为疾病、离婚，或者某些不幸的遭遇，不得不搬去和家人或者朋友一起住，他们也只能在经济上依赖别人。

And how many of us know someone that has an elderly parent or a relative that can no longer take care of themselves, and they re left to rely on others, sometimes handing over their homes, their money and other assets.

此外，我们当中有多少人认识这样的人：他们的家里有生活不能自理的年迈父母或亲戚，只能依赖别人维持生活，有时不得不交出他们的房屋、金钱或者其他资产作为交换？

Another type of dependency without a choice is financial abuse. Financial abuse is a pattern of abusive behavior used to control and intimidate a partner.

另一种没有选择的财务依赖是财务虐待。财务虐待是一种用来控制或者恐吓伴侣的虐待行为模式。

Victims are in a relationship, and the other person has power over them, because they don t have access to money, information or the resources and support they need to leave.

受害者处于恋爱关系中，而另一个人有权控制他们，因为他们无法获取金钱、信息或者离开的资源和支持。

The Allstate Foundation has a program called the Purple Purse that helps victims of domestic violence through financial empowerment. They report that 99 percent -- in 99 out of one hundred domestic violence cases -- financial abuse helps keep victims trapped in their relationship.

好事达基金会（Allstate Foundation）有一个名为“紫色钱包”的项目，通过财务授权，帮助遭受财务虐待的受害者。他们在报告中指出——在99%的家庭暴力案件中，财务虐待迫使受害者受困于当前的恋爱关系中无法脱身。

The Purple Purse has coined financial abuse "the invisible weapon," because visible abuse leaves bruises and scars but financial abuse doesn t. Financial abuse and financial dependency leave emotional scars that you can t see.

“紫色钱包”创造了金融虐待的“隐形武器”，因为可见虐待会留下创伤和疤痕，但财务虐待并不会。财务虐待和财务依赖留下了看不见的情感伤疤。

They include hopelessness, guilt, shame, depression, lack of confidence and self-esteem. Financial dependency is also invisible, because no one s talking about it. Why?

其中包括绝望、内疚、羞耻、沮丧、缺乏自信和自尊。财务依赖也是不可见的，因为没有人在谈论它。为什么？

Because no one wants to show their emotional scars, and because we re taught in our homes, on our jobs and in our community not to talk about money.

因为没有人愿意表现出他们的情感伤痕，而且因为我们在家里、工作和社区中接受的教育是，不要谈论金钱。

So many people that I talk to about this issue, they can relate and they have a story, but they re not telling anyone their story. When I was told at the kitchen table, "Don t you tell," I never told anyone. It s even hard for me right now to break that rule that I learned so long ago.

很多跟我谈论过这个问题的人都有切身体会，但是不会告诉任何人他们的故事。就像我在厨房的桌子旁被警告的，“不要说出去。”我也从来没有告诉过任何人。直到现在，我都很难打破很久之前学到的那个规则。

So, what can I do? What can you do? What can we all do to disarm this invisible weapon? We can solve three problems. The first problem is lack of awareness, because knowing about money and having money aren t always the solution.

那么，要解除这种无形的武器，我能做什么？你能做些什么？我们所有人能做些什么？我们可以解决三个问题。第一个问题是缺乏财务独立意识，因为了解金钱和拥有金钱并不总是解决问题的办法。

In my situation, I was educated and experienced in managing money, but that didn t stop me from becoming financially dependent. Why? Because of the beliefs and experiences I had growing up: one person manages all the money.

在我的例子中，我受过教育、也有管理财务的经验，但这并没有防止我产生在经济上的依赖。为什么？因为在我的成长过程中一直充斥着这样的信仰和经历：应该一个人管理所有的钱。

After my divorce, I had to rebuild my life financially and emotionally. So I took every self-development course and I read every self-help book I could find.

离婚后，我不得不在经济上和情感上重建我的生活。所以我参加了每一门自我发展的课程，读了每一本我能找到的自助书籍。

And that s when I began to understand the dynamics of the family I grew up in and how they played a role in me handing over my financial power. When you become aware of your inner bruises and scars, you can begin to break free from financial dependency.

从那时起，我开始了解我的原生家庭环境以及它如何在我移交自己的理财权方面发挥了作用。当你意识到自己的内在创伤和疤痕，你就可以开始摆脱财务依赖。

The next problem is lack of information about financial literacy. Financial literacy is having the skills and the knowledge to make informed decisions about your money. It includes topics like savings and investing, budgeting and debt.

下一个问题是，缺乏有关金融知识的信息。金融知识指的是，掌握相关技能和知识来做出关于财务的明智决定。这包括诸如储蓄和投资，预算和债务。

In 2018, only 17 states required financial literacy in high school curriculums. This corresponds with recent studies that show that 66 percent of Americans are financially illiterate.

在 2018 年，美国只有 17 个州要求在高中课程中包含金融知识教育。这与最近的研究相符，该研究表明 66% 的美国人金融知识匮乏。

If you are in a financial dependency situation, start by looking and going through your finances, making decisions, participate in making decisions about your money.

如果你处于财务依赖的状态，可以从了解你的财务状况，参与与自己的财务状况有关的决定开始。

If you are in a financial abuse situation, get access to your information. Look for financial documents like bank credit card statements, social security information and account pass codes.

如果你正遭遇财务虐待，从接触你的财务信息入手。查找财务文件，例如银行信用卡对账单，社会保障信息和账户密码。

The last problem is lack of giving and getting support. Many people don t know that there are free resources online and in your local community to help you learn and establish healthy money habits.

最后一个问题是，缺乏给予和获得支持。许多人不知道在网上和当地社区有免费的资源，来帮助你学习和建立健康的理财习惯。

There are also free resources if you are a victim of financial abuse, like the Purple Purse. Giving support includes listening to others that are financially dependent without judgment or criticism.

作为财务虐待行为的受害者，你也能找到免费的资源，就像“紫色钱包”。 给予支持包括倾听财务依赖的人的遭遇，而不做任何评判或批评。

It also involves sharing your story, because when you share your story, you empower others, and you give them the permission to rewrite their own.

当然还包括分享你的故事，因为当你分享自己的故事时，就可以鼓舞他人，给予他人去改写自己故事的力量。

It s my hope that by sharing my story, more people will learn about financial dependency, will share their own stories and will connect with others to shed a light on this hidden issue so that we can all have financial freedom.

我希望通过分享我的故事，更多人能够了解财务依赖，开始分享他们自己的故事，并主动与其他人交流以阐明这个隐藏的问题，最终帮助所有人实现财务自由。