Stillbirth
Labour was normal, a birth, like any other;
But long, for bearing nothing but a stone;
Pushign a stone of pain uphill for hours
Gasping for breath
Hope did not die till later.
I had been heavy, a stagnant pool, no stir
No beat of heart, hands. Then
This cataclysm that seemed to presage life,
But, at the end, no cry.
Under the half-death of the chloroform
I heard the nurse laugh, joking with the doctor,
Thinking I could not hear. I knew, then
And a weak rage rose in my throat
That it was mine they looked at and held light.
I would have snatched it from them
Carried it in my mouth to my lair
With animal groans, and licked it back to life.
They took it from me, told me, all's for the best
And shut it in a box. What else to do
With something, not quite rubbish?
They did it decently,
Washed the cold face with colder drops of pity,
Baptised it for luck,
And put it in the earth where it belonged.
I never saw the features I had made,
The hands I had felt groping
For the life I tried to give, and could not.
But still, I sometimes dream I hear it crying
Lost somewhere and unfed,
Shut in a cupboard, or lying in the snow,
And I search the night, and call, as though to rescue
Part of myself, from the grave of things undone. |
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