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你该怎么和不开心的朋友聊天?

发布者: 千缘 | 发布时间: 2021-4-5 01:03| 查看数: 85| 评论数: 0|



The one conversation that uplifted me more than any other in my life was with a woman who told me how, a few days earlier, she drove her Jeep Wrangler to the edge of the Grand Canyon and sat there, revving the engine, thinking about driving over. Even though I had severe social anxiety, in that conversation, I was totally at ease.

我一生中最激动人心的一次谈话是和一位女士交谈,她告诉我,几天前,她是如何驾驶吉普车的斗牛士到大峡谷边上坐在那里,开着引擎,想着开车过去。尽管我有严重的社会焦虑,在那次谈话中,我完全敞开心扉。

She told me what was going on in her life in the days and months leading up, what her thoughts were at that exact moment, why she wanted to die, and why she didn t do it. We nodded and half-smiled, and then it was my turn to talk about my journey to a dining table in the hygienic community area of the mental health wing of a mountain-town hospital.

她告诉我,在她生命中,在前些日子和几个月里发生了什么,她当时的想法是什么,她为什么要死,为什么她不这么做。我们点了点头,半笑了,然后轮到我谈谈我去山区一家乡镇医院精神卫生院卫生社区等地方的经历。

I took too many sleeping pills, and after they treated me for that, they were like, "Hey, we would love it if you would be our guest in the psych ward."

我吃了太多安眠药,他们给我治疗后,他们就说:“嘿,如果你来我们精神病区看看,我们也很乐意的。”

We joked that her suicide would have made a way better postcard.

我们开玩笑说她自杀会使明信片更漂亮。

We talked shop.

我们还聊了很多。

She allowed me to be deeply depressed and have a genuine connection to another person, simultaneously. For the first time, I identified as somebody living with depression, and I felt good about it -- like I wasn t a bad person for it.

她让我深深地沮丧,同时也与另一个人有着真正的联系。我第一次把自己认定为患有抑郁症的人,我对此感到很好——好像我不是一个坏人。

Now imagine one of the people at that table was a member of your family or a close friend. Would you be comfortable talking to them? What if instead of the hospital, they were at your kitchen table and told you they were really depressed?

现在想象一下,在那张桌子上的一个人是你的家人或是一个亲密的朋友。你能和他们谈谈吗?如果他们不是医院,而是在你的厨房桌子上告诉你他们真的很沮丧呢?

The World Health Organization says that depression is the leading cause of ill health and disability worldwide, affecting 350 million people. The National Institute of Mental Health reports seven percent of Americans experiencing depression in a year.

世界卫生组织说,抑郁症是全球健康和残疾的主要原因,影响到3.5亿人。美国国家精神卫生研究所报告,一年内有7%的美国人患有抑郁症。

So depression is super common, yet in my experience, most folks don t want to talk to depressed people unless we pretend to be happy. A cheerful facade is appropriate for casual interactions.

所以抑郁症是非常普遍的,但在我的经验中,大多数人不想和抑郁的人交谈,除非我们假装快乐。愉快的外表适合随意的互动。

A depressed person can ask for extra syrup in their pumpkin spice latte without explaining that they need it because they re trapped in the infinite darkness of their soul and they ve lost all hope of escape --

抑郁的人可以在南瓜香料拿铁中要求额外的糖浆,而不需要解释,因为他们被困在灵魂的无限黑暗中,他们失去了逃跑的全部希望--

again.

再一次。

Depression doesn t diminish a person s desire to connect with other people, just their ability. So in spite of what you might think, talking to friends and family living with depression can be really easy and maybe even fun. Not, like, Facebook-selfie-with-Lady-Gaga- at-an-underground-party fun -- I m talking about the kind of fun where people enjoy each other s company effortlessly. Nobody feels awkward, and no one accuses the sad person of ruining the holidays.

抑郁症并不会减少一个人与他人联系的欲望,只是他们的能力。所以,尽管你可能会想,和生活在抑郁症中的朋友和家人交谈是非常容易的,甚至是有趣的。不像,Facebook和Lady Gaga的私自拍——在一个私人聚会上的乐趣——我说的是人们轻松地享受彼此陪伴的乐趣。没有人觉得尴尬,也没有人指责这个悲伤的人毁了假期。

Why does this chasm even exist? On the one side, you have people living with depression who may act in off-putting or confusing ways because they re fighting a war in their head that nobody else can see. On the other side, the vast majority of people look across the chasm and shake their heads, like, "Why you gotta be so depressed?"

为什么这个鸿沟还存在?一方面,你有抑郁症患者,他们可能会采取行动,因为他们在头脑中战斗,没有人能看到。另一方面,绝大多数人都会隔着鸿沟,摇摇头,比如,“你为什么要这么郁闷?”

You may recognize a divide like this in your life. Do you want to build a bridge across it? You may not want to build a bridge -- and that s a totally valid choice. Or maybe you d like to build a stronger connection, but you have a lot of questions and concerns. You re what I might call "bridge curious."

你可能会在你的生活中认识到这样的鸿沟。你想在桥对面建座桥吗?你可能不想建一座桥,这是一个完全有效的选择。或者你想建立一个更强大的联系,但你有很多问题和担忧。你就是我所说的“好奇桥”

Here are some possible reasons why some of you may avoid depressed people. You might be afraid that if you talk to somebody while they re depressed, you re suddenly responsible for their well-being. You re not expected to be Dr. Phil. Just be friendly -- more like Ellen.

以下是一些可能的原因,为什么你们中的一些人可能会避免抑郁的人。你可能会担心,如果你在某人情绪低落的时候和他说话,你会突然对他们的健康负责。你不应该是菲尔医生。友好点——更像艾伦。

You may worry that you won t know what to say, and every attempt at conversation will be awkward, and the only time you ll feel comfortable is when you both just give up on talking and stare at your phones. Words are not the most important thing to focus on. You might fear seeing your shadow. Hey, if you have been successfully outrunning your personal emotional demons, that s awesome. May the wind be at your back.

你可能会担心自己不知道该说什么,每次尝试交谈都会很尴尬,唯一让你感到舒服的时候就是你们都放弃交谈,盯着手机看。语言不是最重要的东西。你可能害怕看到自己的影子。嘿,如果你已经成功地摆脱了你个人的情感恶魔,那就太棒了。愿风在你身后。

You can be the least woo-woo person in the world and still connect with depressed people. Maybe you ve heard that depression is contagious, and you re afraid of catching it. Bring some hand sanitizer.

你可以成为世界上最不讨人喜欢的人,但仍然和抑郁的人保持联系。也许你听说过抑郁症是会传染的,你害怕染上它。带些洗手液来。

You re much more likely to catch the joy of human bonding.

你更有可能感受到人类结合的乐趣。

Maybe you see depressed people differently. You think of them as flawed or defective. Multiple university studies have shown that A students are more likely to have bipolar condition. Our brains aren t broken or damaged, they just work differently. I spent a lot of years thinking happy people just don t get it.

也许你对抑郁的人有不同的看法。你认为他们有缺陷。多所大学的研究表明,A学生更容易患上躁郁症。我们的大脑没有损坏,只是工作方式不同。我花了很多年思考快乐的人就是不明白。

I did eventually stop discriminating against happy people --

我终于不再歧视快乐的人了--

I began battling depression when I was eight, and decades later, to my surprise, I started winning. I shifted from being miserable much of the time to enjoying life. I live pretty well with my bipolar condition, and I ve overcome some other mental health conditions like overeating, addiction and social anxiety.

我八岁的时候就开始和抑郁症作斗争,几十年后,令我惊讶的是,我开始赢了。我大部分时间从痛苦转向享受生活。我的双相情感状态很好,我也克服了其他一些心理健康问题,如暴饮暴食、上瘾和社交焦虑。

So I live on both sides of this chasm. And I m offering some guidance based on my experience to help you build a bridge across it if you want to. It s not hard science, but I worked with a lot people I know who ve lived with depression to refine these suggestions.

所以我生活在这条鸿沟的两边。根据我的经验,我会提供一些指导,如果你愿意的话,我会帮你搭一座桥。这不是一门难学的科学,但是我和很多我认识的患有抑郁症的人一起工作来完善这些建议。

First up, some things you might want to avoid -- some "don ts." One of the most off-putting things you can say is, "Just get over it." Great idea -- love it, it s just we already thought of that.

首先,一些你可能想避免的事情——一些“不要”。你能说的最让人讨厌的事情之一就是“忘掉它。”好主意——爱它,只是我们已经想到了。

The absence of the ability to just get over it is depression.

缺乏克服的能力就是抑郁。

We feel it in our bodies -- it s a physical thing for us. And medically it s no different from telling someone with a broken ankle or cancer, "just get over it." Don t be hell-bent on fixing us. Like, thank you, but ... the pressure can make us depressed people feel like we re disappointing you. Also, things that make some people feel better may not work for us. You can t cure clinical depression by getting ice cream ... which is unfortunate, because that would be living the dream.

我们感觉到它在我们的身体里——对我们来说这是一种生理上的东西。从医学上讲,这和告诉脚踝骨折或癌症患者“别再这样了”没什么区别,别执意要治好我们。比如,谢谢,但是。。。压力会让我们沮丧的人觉得我们让你失望。而且,让一些人感觉更好的事情可能对我们不起作用。你不能靠吃冰淇淋来治愈临床抑郁症。。。这是不幸的,因为那将是生活的梦想。

Don t take a negative response personally. So, I have a friend who, about a year ago, messaged me that he was really isolated and depressed. And I suggested some things for him to do, and he was like, "No, no and no." And I got mad, like, how dare he not embrace my brilliant wisdom?

不要把否定的回答当回事。所以,我有一个朋友,大约一年前,他给我发信息说他真的很孤独和沮丧。我建议他做一些事情,他说,“不,不,不。”我很生气,他怎么敢不接受我的智慧?

And then I remembered times I ve been depressed, and how I thought I was doomed in all possible futures, or everybody suddenly hated me, and things like that. It didn t matter how many people told me otherwise -- I didn t believe them. So I let my friend know I cared, and I didn t take it personally.

然后我想起了我曾经沮丧过的时光,我是怎么认为我注定要在所有可能的未来中死去,或者所有人突然恨我,以及类似的事情。不管有多少人告诉我否则——我不相信他们。所以我让我的朋友知道我在乎,我没有把它当成个人。

Don t let a lack of bubbly happiness freak you out. It s not a shark attack. "Call the coast guard, my friend is sad!"

不要让缺乏泡沫的幸福吓坏你。这不是鲨鱼袭击。”打电话给海岸警卫队,我的朋友很难过!”

We can be sad and OK at the same time. I m going to say that again, because in our society, we re taught the opposite, and so it s counterintuitive. People can be sad and OK at the same time.

我们可以悲伤,同时也可以。我要再说一遍,因为在我们的社会里,我们被教导相反,所以这是违反直觉的。人们可以悲伤,同时也可以。

So some of these things may apply to you personally, some may not. Take what s useful. And remember, you don t have to connect. If you want to, here are some suggestions that may help -- some "dos." Talk to us in your natural voice, right?

所以这些东西中有些可能适用于你个人,有些可能不适用。拿有用的东西。记住,你不需要联系。如果你想的话,这里有一些建议可能会有所帮助——一些“注意事项”。用你自然的声音和我们交谈,对吧?

You don t need to put on a sad voice because we re depressed -- you don t sneeze when you re talking to somebody with a cold.

你不需要因为我们很沮丧而发出悲伤的声音——当你和感冒的人说话时,你不会打喷嚏。

It s not rude to be upbeat. You can be you, OK? If you make an offer to be there for us, clearly state what you can and can t do. I have told people, "Hey, call or text any time, but I might not be able to get back to you that same day."

乐观并不粗鲁。你可以做你自己,好吗?如果你愿意为我们提供服务,请明确说明你能做什么和不能做什么。我告诉人们,“嘿,随时打电话或发短信,但我可能无法在同一天给你回电话。”

It s totally cool to not make an offer, or to make a narrow offer with really clear boundaries around it. Give us a sense of control. Like, get our consent. I have a friend who, a while back, when I was having a depressive episode, reached out and said, "Hey, I want to check in with you. Can I call you every day? Maybe text you every day and call later in the week? What works for you?"

不出价,或者出价很窄,而且有明确的界限,这是很酷的。给我们一种控制感。比如,得到我们的同意。我有一个朋友,不久前,当我患抑郁症时,他伸出手说:“嘿,我想和你谈谈。我可以每天给你打电话吗?也许每天都给你发短信,然后一周后再打电话?什么对你有用?”

By getting my permission, she earned my complete confidence and remains one of my best friends today. And my last suggestion is: interact about not depression, aka, normal stuff. I have a friend who, when people were worried about him, they would call and ask if he wanted to go shopping or help them clean out their garage. Your depressed friends could be a good source of free labor --

经过我的允许,她赢得了我的完全信任,至今仍是我最好的朋友之一。我的最后一个建议是:不要用抑郁,也就是正常的东西来互动。我有一个朋友,当人们担心他时,他们会打电话问他是想去购物还是帮他们打扫车库。你那些消沉的朋友可能是免费劳动的好来源--

What I m really getting at is, invite them to contribute to your life in some way, even if it s as small as asking you to go see a movie that you wanted to see in the theater.

我真正想说的是,邀请他们以某种方式为你的生活做出贡献,哪怕只是邀请你去电影院看你想看的电影。

So that s a lot of dos and don ts and maybes, and it s not by any means a definitive list. The thing to remember is that they re all grounded in one guiding principle. It s what allowed the woman in the Jeep Wrangler to start me on the path to recovery without even trying.

所以这是很多的应该做的和不应该做的以及可能发生的事情,而且这绝对不是一个确定的清单。要记住的是,它们都基于一个指导原则。正是因为这样,吉普牧马人车上的那个女人才让我踏上了康复之路,甚至连试都不试。

She talked to me like I belonged and contributed exactly as I was at that moment. If you talk to a depressed person as if their life is just as valuable, intense and beautiful as yours, then there s no need to build a bridge between you, because you ve closed the chasm. Focus on that instead of your words, and it may be the most uplifting conversation of their life. What could that do for somebody you care about? What could it do for you?

她跟我说话就像我是属于我的一样,对我做出了贡献。如果你和一个抑郁的人交谈,好像他们的生活和你的一样有价值、紧张、美丽,那么你就没有必要在他们之间架起一座桥梁,因为你已经弥合了鸿沟。专注于这些而不是你的话语,这可能是他们一生中最令人振奋的谈话。这对你关心的人有什么好处?它能为你做什么?

Thank you.

非常感谢。


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