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拒绝丧偶式育儿,让父亲参与抚养的美好和艰辛

发布者: 千缘 | 发布时间: 2020-6-24 04:06| 查看数: 137| 评论数: 0|

今天是一年一度的父亲节,英文演讲君来和大家分享一个TED演讲,演讲者乔尔·莱昂(Joel Leon)是一个讲故事的人,也是一名父亲,他说,“共同育儿”不是流行语,它是一种公开,始终如一,充满爱心地向家人展示的方式。在这个动人的演讲中,他向所有父母挑战,要求他们在孩子的日常生活中扮演平等,积极的角色,即使在这个世界上,往往是母亲独自承担着牺牲的重担。莱昂鼓励有关养育子女的细微对话,并提醒我们,做父母不是责任,而是机会。

共同抚养是一种工作,是艰辛而美好的工作。它逐渐废除了一种家庭系统,这种系统让我们认为女人的主要角色就是呆在厨房里负担所有家务,而可怜的父亲每当不得不单独和孩子们共度周末时,只会手忙脚乱。作为平等的伴侣和共同抚养者,我们的责任是保证我们的搭档不用把自己热衷的爱好、追求和理想放在次要地位,只因为我们自私地不愿共同承担。

My name is Joel, and I m a co-parent.我是乔尔,一名承担共同抚养子女义务的父亲。

So, growing up, I never heard the term "co-parent." I heard a lot of other things, though, for starters, "absentee father," "sperm donor" -- that s a good one -- "deadbeat dad" and, my personal favorite, "baby daddy." "Baby daddy," for those not in the know, refers to an individual who helps to conceive a child but does little else.在我的成长过程中,我从未听说过“共同抚养”这个词,尽管对于新手而言,我听说过其他的词,“缺席父亲”,“精子捐献者”——听起来不错——“老赖爹(deadbeat dad)”,还有我自己最喜欢的——“宝爸(baby daddy)”。给不知道的人科普一下,“宝爸”是指一个帮助怀孕,而却不对此负责的父亲。

Baby daddy is also someone who is not married by law to the mother of said child. Growing up, I thought "co-parent" was reserved primarily for white families that starred in Netflix prime-time dramas.“宝爸”也是在法律上没有与孩子的母亲结婚的人。成长过程中,我曾以为“共同抚养”一词是针对在Netflix黄金档电视剧中那些白人家庭而言的。

It still kind of does. But it wasn t used to explain the role of a parent. Right? Either you had kids or you didn t, and no one in my social circles or a tour dinner table was having complex conversations about the role fathers played in that conversation, right? 这似乎也说得通,但“共同抚养”并不曾用来解释父母的角色,对吧?不管你是否有孩子,在我的社交圈里或在我们聚餐时,没有人会围绕父亲的角色进行复杂的讨论,不是吗?

A more balanced, open, loving approach to parenting was not something we were discussing within our social circles. A majority of the time, the fathers I knew of growing up were barely present or just completely nonexistent. "Co-parent" wasn t a term I heard or saw where I grew up, where I came from.一种更公平、开放且充满关爱的抚养方法不是我们在自己的社交圈里涉猎的话题。大部分时间里,我所知道的父亲们在他们孩子成长过程中几乎不出现,或者根本不存在。在我出生和成长的地方,我不曾听说过或见过“共同抚养”。

I come from the hood. That hood would be Creston Avenue, 188th in the Bronx. And for -- one person, that s what s up.我来自“那个”街区,布朗克斯(纽约以高犯罪率著称的贫民区)克雷斯顿大街188号。对,就是这么回事儿。

Appreciate that.感谢。

For a lot of us in that hood, there was only one person you could already turn to for food, shelter, warmth, love, discipline: our mothers.在那个街区里,对许多人来说,我们只能指望一个人,去寻求食物、住处、温暖、爱和训导:我们的母亲。

My mother, who I playfully call "Linda T," was my first example of real love and what showing up as a healthy co-parent looked like. She was a strong, determined single mother, a woman who would have benefited greatly from having a secure and stable partner as a co-parent.我开玩笑地叫我母亲“琳达·T(LindaT)”,她为真正的爱做了表率,也有一个健康的共同抚养者该有的样子。她是一个强大、坚定的单亲母亲。作为共同扶养人,她本该拥有一个可靠稳重的伴侣,以减轻她的负担。

So I vowed whenever I got married, my boo and I would be together forever. You know?  We d share the same bed and home, we d sleep under the same covers, we d argue at IKEA -- normal stuff.所以我发誓过无论我何时结婚,我会和我的妻子永远在一起。很好理解吧?我们会分享同一张床,共享一个家。我们会睡在同一被窝里,会为了琐事在宜家里争吵。

My partner would feel seen and loved, and our children would grow up in a two-parent household.我的伴侣会感到被在乎、被疼爱,我们的孩子会在有双亲的家庭里长大。

However, things rarely ever end up how we plan them. Our daughter Lilah has never known a household with both of her parents living together under one roof. Her mother and I were never married. We dated on and off for several months before we found out she was pregnant. 然而,到头来,计划没有变化快。我们的女儿莱拉从来都不知道,和父母住在一起的家庭生活是什么样子。因为我和她的母亲从未结过婚。在发现她怀孕之前,我们断断续续约会了几个月。

Up until then, my mother didn t even know she existed. I was ashamed, I was embarrassed, and, at times, I was suicidal. I was asking myself, what was I doing? Where was I going wrong? In ever wanted the stigma or label of what some identified as the stereotypical "black father." So: absentee, confrontational, combative, not present.在那之前,我母亲甚至不知道我女友的存在。我感到羞愧,很尴尬,有时,我还想自杀。我问我自己,我在干什么?我哪里做错了?我从不想被羞辱或被称为一些人刻板印象中的“黑人父亲”:缺席者、挑衅者、好斗的、“失踪”的家伙。

It took a lot of work, time, energy and effort for us to finally realize that maybe co-parenting for us didn t need to mean a shared household and wedding bells, that maybe, just maybe, the way we showed up as co-parents lay not only in the layered nuances of our partnership but the capacity within our hearts to tend to a human that we helped create together.在花费大量的工作、时间、精力和努力后,我们终于意识到,也许共同抚养对我们来说并不意味着一定要共享一个家庭,或必须要谈婚论嫁。也许,仅仅是也许,我们以共同抚养者的身份出现的方式,不仅是存在于我们伴侣关系中有层次的细微差别,更在于我们在内心深处照顾一个人的能力,而这个人是我们共同的结晶。

It would involve love in a nurturing and safe environment that would feed Lilah long after we both left this earth.一个安全的养育环境里若有了爱,莱拉在我们都离开世界很久以后也会感到满足。

Fast-forward four years, and Lilah is now in pre-K. She loves gummies, and she says things like, "My heart is filled with love." She s the most loving, compassionate, empathetic human being I know, and the reason I get to tell you all of this is because she s back in the Bronx with her mother. 快进四年,莱拉现在在学前班,她非常喜欢软糖,而且她会说类似“我内心充满了爱”这样的话。她是我知道的最可爱、最有同情心、最有同理心的人,而我之所以能把这一切告诉你们,是因为她和她的母亲回到了布朗克斯。

You see, this is co-parenting, and in an ideal world, my mother would have had a co-parent, too. She would have had support, someone to show up and give her a break, a time off. 这就是共同抚养。在一个理想的世界里,我的母亲本可以也有一个共同抚养的伙伴,她本可以得到支持,也有人本可以出现,让她有休息的时间。在一个理想的世界里,任何一个父亲或母亲都是共同抚养者。



In an ideal world, every parent is a co-parent. In an ideal world, both parents share the weight of the work appropriately. Lilah s mother and I have a schedule. Some days, I leave work and pick Lilah up from school, some days I don t. Lilah s mother gets to go rock climbing or study for the LSAT, and I get to stand in a room full of bold, dynamic and powerful women and talk about dad stuff.在一个理想的世界里,父母双方都能适当地分担抚养的重担。我和莱拉的母亲有一个日程计划,有时我会下班去接莱拉放学,有时我不会。这样莱拉的母亲可以去攀岩,或者准备法学院入学考试,而我也能在一个充满了勇气、活力和强大的女性的房子里,讨论父亲那些事。 It is work, it is beautifully hard work dismantling the systems that would have us believe a woman s primary role is in the kitchen, tending to all things domestic, while the hapless dad fumbles all over himself whenever he has to spend a weekend alone with the kids. It is work that needs to happen right now.共同抚养是一种工作,是艰辛而美好的工作。它逐渐废除了一种家庭系统,这种系统让我们认为女人的主要角色就是呆在厨房里负担所有家务,而可怜的父亲每当不得不单独和孩子们共度周末时,只会手忙脚乱。共同抚养是需要立刻执行的工作。

You see, far too often, what it seems like is when both parents are working, one parent is typically tasked with organizing the household and keeping the home running. That person is typically a woman or someone who identifies as such. Far too often, those who identify as mothers and as women have to sacrifice their dreams in order to appease the standard. 这种情况太普遍了,当双方都在工作时,一方通常要安排好家庭事务,让这个家正常运转。而这个人通常是女人或者扮演此角色的人。那些作为母亲或女人的一方往往不得不牺牲她们的梦想以达到这种标准。

They have to sacrifice their dreams in order to ensure that motherhood takes precedence over all else. And I m not here to say that it doesn t, but what I am here to say is, as equal partners and co-parents, it is our duty to ensure that our co-parenting partners don t have to put their passions, their pursuits and their dreams to the back burner just because we re too self-absorbed to show up as allies.她们不得不牺牲自己的梦想,以保证母亲的身份优于其他所有事请。我并不否认这点,但我想说的是作为平等的搭档和共同抚养者,我们的责任是保证我们的共同抚养搭档不必把他们热衷的爱好、追求和理想放在次要地位,就因为我们自私地不愿共同承担。

Co-parenting makes the space possible for everybody. As a co-parent, the time I ve gotten to share and spend with Lilah is time I appreciate, the time that has allowed me to be fully present for my child, removing the notion that the emotional labor required to raise a child is a woman s work. As a co-parent, Lilah and I have built snowmen, we ve played with acorns, we ve rapped to the soundtrack of "Moana," I know you have, too.共同抚养让每个人有自己的空间变成了可能。作为承担共同抚养义务的人,我很感激能拥有与莱拉共同度过的时光,拥有能让我充分陪伴孩子的时光,它淘汰了养育孩子所需要的情绪劳动是女人的工作这一观念。作为共同抚养孩子的人,我和莱拉一起堆了雪人,一起玩了橡果,还跟着《海洋奇缘》的原声练说唱,我知道你们也干过这事。

She s sat with me while I ve led workshops at Columbia University, when I talk about the intersections of poetry, hip-hop and theater. We get to talk about her emotions and her feelings because we have exclusive time together, and that time is planned time, it s organized around not just my schedule but her mother s. Both of us, as co-parents, have unique parenting styles. And we may argue at times, but what we can always agree on is how to raise a human --our human.当我在哥伦比亚大学主持讨论会,谈论诗歌、说唱和戏剧的交集时,她就坐在我身旁。我们会讨论她的情绪与情感,因为我们有单独在一起的专属时光,这些时间都是计划好的。不仅是根据我的行程,还是根据他母亲的行程安排的。作为共同抚养者,我们两人都有独特的养育方式。有时我们会发生争执,但我们总能在一件事上意见一致:如何养育一个人——我们的孩子。

I will never fully understand or comprehend what it means to hold a child in my body for 10 months. I will never be able to understand the trials and tribulations of breastfeeding, the work that it takes, the emotional, physical, psychological and emotional toll that carrying a human can have on the female body. 我永远不会完全理解或明白,在身体里连续十个月怀着一个孩子意味着什么。我永远不能理解母乳喂养的艰辛和困难,背后的付出,我也永远不能理解怀孕在情绪、身体和心理上对女性身体的影响。

What co-parenting does is say, we can create balance, a more balanced home and work life for everyone involved. Co-parenting says that while parenting may involve sacrifices, yes, the weight of that sacrifice is not solely resting on one parent alone. No matter your relational dynamic, no matter how you identify as a human being -- he, she, they, ze -- co-parenting says we can create space and equity, better communication, empathy, I hear you, I see you, how can I show up for you in ways that benefits our family?共同抚养的目的是让我们能创造平衡,让家庭中每个成员的工作生活保持平衡。共同抚养中,虽然可能会有牺牲,这是事实,但牺牲的重担并不只会由一方单独承担。不论你的人际关系如何变化,不论你怎么定义人——他,她,他们——共同抚养让我们能创造空间和平等,更好的沟通、共鸣,我能听到你、理解你,我知道怎样以利于家庭的方式出现。

My goal: I want more fathers to embrace co-parenting as a model for a better tomorrow, a better today for ourselves, for our co-parenting partners, for our families, for our community. I want more fathers talking about fatherhood openly, candidly, honestly, lovingly. Right? I want more people to recognize that black fathers in particular are more than the court system, more than child support and more than what the media might portray us to be.这是我的目标:我想让更多的父亲接受共同抚养的模式,为了更好的明天,为了我们自己更好的今天,为了我们共同抚养的搭档,为了我们的家庭、社会。我想要更多的父亲开放地、坦白地、真诚地、亲切地讨论父性,好吗?我想让更多人认识到,黑人父亲,他们不仅只与法院和子女抚养费有关,不仅只是媒体口中的我们。

Our role as fathers, our role as parents, our value as parents is not dependent on the zeroes at the ends of our checks but the capacity within our hearts to show up for our families, for the people we love, for our little ones.我们扮演的父亲角色,父母角色,我们作为父母的价值,并不取决于我们支票上的数字后有几个零,而是取决于我们内心中为我们的家庭,为我们爱的人和我们的孩子们站出来的能力。

Being a father is not only a responsibility, it s an opportunity. This is for Dwain, this is for Kareem "Buc" Drayton, this is for Biggs, this is for Boola, this is for Tyron, this is for all the black fathers who are showing up on a day-to-day basis. This is for Charles Lorenzo Daniels, my father,who didn t have the language or the tools to show up in the ways that he wanted to.成为父亲不只是一种责任,还是一次机会,这段演讲要献给达文(Dawin),卡里姆·德雷顿(Kareem“Buc”Drayton)比格斯(Biggs),布拉(Boola),塔伦(Tyron)。献给所有每天都在承担起责任的黑人父亲。同样也要献给查尔斯·勒伦佐·丹尼尔斯(CharlesLerenzoDaniels),我的父亲,他没有语言和工具来按照他想要的方式出现。

Thank you.谢谢。

My name is Joel.我是乔尔。

Hi Bria, hi West.嗨,布里亚,嗨,韦斯特。

(In Yoruba) Amen.(约鲁巴语)阿门。



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