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懂得情绪管理的人,到底赢在哪里?

发布者: 千缘 | 发布时间: 2020-1-19 02:51| 查看数: 398| 评论数: 1|



演讲者:Guy Winch

I grew up with my identical twin, who was an incredibly loving brother. Now, one thing about being a twin is, it makes you an expert at spotting favoritism. If his cookie was even slightly bigger than my cookie, I had questions. And clearly, I wasn't starving.

我和我的双胞胎哥哥一起长大, 他是个富有爱心的好兄弟。要知道,作为双胞胎,你很快 就在一件事上成为专家, 就是注意到偏爱。如果他的饼干比我的大 哪怕一点点,我就会质疑。当然我也没被饿着。

When I became a psychologist, I began to notice favoritism of a different kind; and that is, how much more we value the body than we do the mind. I spent nine years at university earning my doctorate in psychology, and I can't tell you how many people look at my business card and say, "Oh -- a psychologist. So, not a real doctor," as if it should say that on my card.[Dr. Guy Winch, Just a Psychologist (Not a Real Doctor)]This favoritism we show the body over the mind -- I see it everywhere.

当我成为一个心理学家,我开始 注意到另一种不同的偏爱, 那就是我们赋予我们的身体 比精神更多的价值。我花了九年时间 获得心理学博士学位, 但不知道有多少人看了我的名片说, “哦,心理学家, 原来不是真正的医生。” 就好像我的名片上就该明确说明似的。(笑声) 这种对身体多于精神的偏爱随处可见。

I recently was at a friend's house, and their five-year-old was getting ready for bed. He was standing on a stool by the sink, brushing his teeth, when he slipped and scratched his leg on the stool when he fell. He cried for a minute, but then he got back up, got back on the stool, and reached out for a box of Band-Aids to put one on his cut. Now, this kid could barely tie his shoelaces, but he knew you have to cover a cut so it doesn't become infected, and you have to care for your teeth by brushing twice a day. We all know how to maintain our physical health and how to practice dental hygiene, right? We've known it since we were five years old. But what do we know about maintaining our psychological health? Well, nothing. What do we teach our children about emotional hygiene? Nothing. How is it that we spend more time taking care of our teeth than we do our minds? Why is it that our physical health is so much more important to us than our psychological health?

我最近在朋友家, 他们五岁的小孩准备上床睡觉。他站在小凳子上, 在水池边刷牙, 然后他滑了一下, 摔倒的时候刮了他的腿。他哭了一下, 随后就爬起来了, 站回小凳子上,拿了一个创可贴 贴在他的伤口上。这孩子刚学会系鞋带儿, 但他都知道要保护伤口以免感染, 同时还要一天刷两次牙来保护牙齿。我们都知道怎样保持身体的健康 还有怎样保持牙齿卫生,对不对?我们从五岁起就知道这些东西了。但是我们知道怎样 保持精神上的健康吗?完全不知道。我们教给孩子们情绪保健吗?完全没有。为什么我们花在牙齿的时间 比花在精神的时间上还多呢?为什么我们那么重视身体健康 远远多于心理健康呢?

We sustain psychological injuries even more often than we do physical ones, injuries like failure or rejection or loneliness. And they can also get worse if we ignore them, and they can impact our lives in dramatic ways. And yet, even though there are scientifically proven techniques we could use to treat these kinds of psychological injuries, we don't. It doesn't even occur to us that we should. "Oh, you're feeling depressed? Just shake it off; it's all in your head." Can you imagine saying that to somebody with a broken leg: "Oh, just walk it off; it's all in your leg."It is time we closed the gap between our physical and our psychological health. It's time we made them more equal, more like twins.

我们承受心理上的伤害 比身体上的多得多, 例如失败,被拒绝,孤独。如果我们忽视它们, 情况也会恶化, 它们同样会给我们的生活 带来重大的影响。然而,虽然有科学证实的疗法 来帮助我们治疗 这些心理上的伤害, 我们却不采取行动。我们甚至都没意识到 我们应该采取行动。“哦,你感到抑郁么?别去想了,都在你脑袋里。” 你能想象对一个 骨折了的人说这样的话吗?“哦,走走就好了,都在你腿上。” (笑声) 我们应该消除这种对身体和 精神健康的区别对待。应该把两者对等起来, 像双胞胎一样。

Speaking of which, my brother is also a psychologist. So he's not a real doctor, either.We didn't study together, though. In fact, the hardest thing I've ever done in my life is move across the Atlantic to New York City to get my doctorate in psychology. We were apart then for the first time in our lives, and the separation was brutal for both of us. But while he remained among family and friends, I was alone in a new country. We missed each other terribly, but international phone calls were really expensive then, and we could only afford to speak for five minutes a week. When our birthday rolled around, it was the first we wouldn't be spending together. We decided to splurge, and that week, we would talk for 10 minutes.

说起双胞胎, 我哥哥也是个心理医生。所以他也不是真正的医生。(笑声) 我们不是在一起上的学。事实上,我这辈子 经历过的最困难的事 就是跨过大西洋搬到纽约 来读心理学的博士学位。那是我们俩第一次分隔两地, 这个分离对我俩来说都很残酷。当他和家人朋友一起时, 我却孤单的在一个新的国度。我们都非常想念对方, 但那时候国际长途都很贵 我们一周只打的起五分钟的电话。当我们生日快到了的时候, 那是我们第一个 没在一起过的生日。我们决定奢侈一把, 在那个星期聊上十分钟。

I spent the morning pacing around my room, waiting for him to call -- and waiting ... and waiting. But the phone didn't ring. Given the time difference, I assumed, "OK, he's out with friends, he'll call later." There were no cell phones then. But he didn't. And I began to realize that after being away for over 10 months, he no longer missed me the way I missed him. I knew he would call in the morning, but that night was one of the saddest and longest nights of my life. I woke up the next morning. I glanced down at the phone, and I realized I had kicked it off the hook when pacing the day before. I stumbled out of bed, I put the phone back on the receiver, and it rang a second later. And it was my brother, and boy, was he pissed.

我那天早上在房间里踱来踱去, 等着我哥哥给我打过来 - 我等啊等啊,电话就是不响。由于时差的关系,我就想, “好吧,他一定是和朋友在一起, 他晚点儿会打来的。” 那时候也没有手机。但他始终没打来。我开始意识到, 在我离开十个月以后, 他不再像我想他那样想我了。我知道他早上会打来, 但那一晚是我一生中 最伤心,最漫长的一晚。第二天一早醒来, 我瞅了一眼电话,我意识到, 来回踱步时 我把电话线踹下来了 我迷迷糊糊的跳下床, 我刚把电话插回接口, 一秒钟之后电话就响了。是我哥哥,他可气坏了。

It was the saddest and longest night of his life as well. Now, I tried to explain what happened, but he said, "I don't understand. If you saw I wasn't calling you, why didn't you just pick up the phone and call me?" He was right. Why didn't I call him? I didn't have an answer then. But I do today, and it's a simple one: loneliness.

那也是他一生中 最伤心漫长的一夜。当我跟他解释事情的经过,他说, “我不明白。你看我没给你打, 你为什么不打给我呢?” 他说的对。我为什么不打给他呢?我当时无法解释, 但我现在明白了, 非常简单的原因:孤独。

Loneliness creates a deep psychological wound, one that distorts our perceptions and scrambles our thinking. It makes us believe that those around us care much less than they actually do. It make us really afraid to reach out, because why set yourself up for rejection and heartache when your heart is already aching more than you can stand? I was in the grips of real loneliness back then, but I was surrounded by people all day, so it never occurred to me. But loneliness is defined purely subjectively. It depends solely on whether you feel emotionally or socially disconnected from those around you. And I did. There is a lot of research on loneliness, and all of it is horrifying. Loneliness won't just make you miserable; it will kill you. I'm not kidding. Chronic loneliness increases your likelihood of an early death by 14 percent. Fourteen percent! Loneliness causes high blood pressure, high cholesterol. It even suppress the functioning of your immune system, making you vulnerable to all kinds of illnesses and diseases. In fact, scientists have concluded that taken together, chronic loneliness poses as significant a risk for your long-term health and longevity as cigarette smoking. Now, cigarette packs come with warnings saying, "This could kill you." But loneliness doesn't. And that's why it's so important that we prioritize our psychological health, that we practice emotional hygiene. Because you can't treat a psychological wound if you don't even know you're injured. Loneliness isn't the only psychological wound that distorts our perceptions and misleads us.

孤独导致深重的心理创伤, 扭曲我们的感知能力, 剥夺我们的思考能力。它使我们相信 身边的人不再在乎我们。它使我们不敢与人联络, 为什么给自取其辱被拒绝呢?你的心痛的还不够多么?我那个时候被孤独紧紧包裹着, 但我总和别人在一起, 我自己都没意识到。但孤独是完全从主观上定义的。它完全取决于你是否觉得 在情绪上或是交际上 和你周围的人相隔绝。我当时是这样的。我们有很多关于孤独的研究, 都很可怕。孤独不仅让你觉得凄惨, 它还可能致死。我可不是开玩笑。长期的孤独 会增加你早逝的可能性 高达14%之多。孤独可能导致 高血压,高胆固醇。它甚至会影响你的免疫系统, 使你容易患上各种疾病。事实上,科学家已经得出结论, 长期的孤独对你的健康和长寿 的负面影响比抽烟还要糟。香烟的包装上还有 “吸烟致命”的警句。可孤独没有。这就是我们为什么 要重视心理健康, 要注意保持情绪健康。因为,你无法治愈心理上的创伤, 如果你都不知道 自己受到了伤害的话。孤独不是唯一 可能扭曲及误导 我们的心理创伤。

Failure does that as well. I once visited a day care center, where I saw three toddlers play with identical plastic toys. You had to slide the red button, and a cute doggie would pop out. One little girl tried pulling the purple button, then pushing it, and then she just sat back and looked at the box with her lower lip trembling. The little boy next to her watched this happen, then turned to his box and burst into tears without even touching it. Meanwhile, another little girl tried everything she could think of until she slid the red button, the cute doggie popped out, and she squealed with delight. So: three toddlers with identical plastic toys, but with very different reactions to failure. The first two toddlers were perfectly capable of sliding a red button. The only thing that prevented them from succeeding was that their mind tricked them into believing they could not. Now, adults get tricked this way as well, all the time. In fact, we all have a default set of feelings and beliefs that gets triggered whenever we encounter frustrations and setbacks.

失败也有同样效果。我曾访问过一个幼儿园, 在那儿我观察了三个儿童, 在玩完全一样的塑料玩具。你得把一个红色的钮滑开, 然后一个可爱的小狗就会跳出来。一个小女孩 对紫色的钮又拉又按, 然后她就坐下来,瞧着那盒子, 下嘴唇开始发颤。她旁边的一个小男孩 看到这一幕, 再看着他的盒子, 都没动手就哇哇大哭了。与此同时, 另一个小女孩试了各种方法 直到她滑动了那个红钮, 可爱的小狗跳了出来, 她开心的叫了起来。同样的塑料玩具 给了这三个幼儿, 但他们对失败的反应截然不同。前两个小孩完全 有能力滑动那个红钮。唯一阻止他们成功的因素 就是他们被自己 做不成的想法给骗了。成年人也经常中这样的圈套。事实上,我们都有 一个固定的思维感知模式, 每当我们感到沮丧,受到挫折, 我们便会进入这个模式。

Are you aware of how your mind reacts to failure? You need to be. Because if your mind tries to convince you you're incapable of something, and you believe it, then like those two toddlers, you'll begin to feel helpless and you'll stop trying too soon, or you won't even try at all. And then you'll be even more convinced you can't succeed. You see, that's why so many people function below their actual potential. Because somewhere along the way, sometimes a single failure convinced them that they couldn't succeed, and they believed it.

你清不清楚你是怎么对应失败的?你应该清楚。因为如果你的头脑告诉你 你不能做成什么事 而你相信了的话, 你就会像那前两个小孩似的, 开始感到无助 然后你很快就放弃了, 甚至都不去试一下。然后你就更加确信你成功不了。你看,这就是为什么那么多人 都无法充分发挥他们的潜能。因为不一定在什么地方, 有那么一次失败 让他们认定了自己不能成功。

Once we become convinced of something, it's very difficult to change our mind. I learned that lesson the hard way when I was a teenager with my brother. We were driving with friends down a dark road at night, when a police car stopped us. There had been a robbery in the area and they were looking for suspects. The officer approached the car, and shined his flashlight on the driver, then on my brother in the front seat, and then on me. And his eyes opened wide and he said, "Where have I seen your face before?"

我们一旦被某件事说服, 往往就很难改变主意。我十几岁的时候,和我哥哥一起, 吃了点苦头才明白这道理。有一天晚上,我俩和朋友们 在一条很黑的路上开着车。一辆警车把我们拦下了。附近发生了抢劫, 警察在追踪嫌犯。警察走到车边, 对司机晃了晃手电筒, 又照了照坐在副驾驶的我哥哥, 然后照到了我。他瞪大了眼睛说得, “我在哪儿见过你?”

And I said, "In the front seat."But that made no sense to him whatsoever, so now he thought I was on drugs.So he drags me out of the car, he searches me, he marches me over to the police car, and only when he verified I didn't have a police record, could I show him I had a twin in the front seat. But even as we were driving away, you could see by the look on his face he was convinced that I was getting away with something.

我说,“副驾驶座上。”但对他来说,我的回答莫名其妙。所以他认为我嗑了药。于是他把我拖出车子,又搜了我的身,他把我押到警车那儿,直到他验证了 我并没有犯罪记录,我才有机会解释 我和副驾驶座位上的是双胞胎。但是直到我们开走了,你仍可以看到他的表情 他认定我一定干了什么坏事。

Our mind is hard to change once we become convinced. So it might be very natural to feel demoralized and defeated after you fail. But you cannot allow yourself to become convinced you can't succeed. You have to fight feelings of helplessness. You have to gain control over the situation. And you have to break this kind of negative cycle before it begins.

一旦我们认定了的事情, 我们很难改变看法。所以当你失败了, 感觉士气低落是很自然的。但是你不能允许自己 相信你不可能成功。你要和那种无助的感觉斗争。你要重新控制局面。而且你必须在这种负能量循环开始前打破它。

Our minds and our feelings -- they're not the trustworthy friends we thought they were. They're more like a really moody friend, who can be totally supportive one minute, and really unpleasant the next. I once worked with this woman who, after 20 years marriage and an extremely ugly divorce, was finally ready for her first date. She had met this guy online, and he seemed nice and he seemed successful, and most importantly, he seemed really into her. So she was very excited, she bought a new dress, and they met at an upscale New York City bar for a drink. Ten minutes into the date, the man stands up and says, "I'm not interested," and walks out. Rejection is extremely painful. The woman was so hurt she couldn't move. All she could do was call a friend. Here's what the friend said: "Well, what do you expect? You have big hips, you have nothing interesting to say. Why would a handsome, successful man like that ever go out with a loser like you?" Shocking, right, that a friend could be so cruel? But it would be much less shocking if I told you it wasn't the friend who said that. It's what the woman said to herself. And that's something we all do, especially after a rejection. We all start thinking of all our faults and all our shortcomings, what we wish we were, what we wish we weren't. We call ourselves names. Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it. And it's interesting that we do, because our self-esteem is already hurting. Why would we want to go and damage it even further? We wouldn't make a physical injury worse on purpose. You wouldn't get a cut on your arm and decide, "Oh! I know -- I'm going to take a knife and see how much deeper I can make it."

我们的想法和感觉, 它们不是像我们想象的 那么忠诚的朋友。它们更像是一个非常情绪化的朋友, 有时非常支持你, 而有时令人不愉快。我以前的一个女同事 她结婚20年之后离婚了, 婚离的很惨烈, 然后她终于准备好 开始新的约会了。她在网上认识了这个男的。他看上去人很好,也很成功, 最重要的是, 他似乎对她非常感兴趣。她非常兴奋, 还为约会买了新裙子, 然后他们约在纽约的 一个高级酒吧里喝一杯。约会才进行了10分钟, 那位男士站起来说, “我没兴趣了,” 然后就走了。被拒绝是极其痛苦的。这位女士非常受伤,以致于都动不了了。于是她给一个朋友打电话。她朋友是这样说的:“那你还想怎样?你又胖又没有什么好聊的, 为什么任何一个英俊的成功男士 会和你这样的失败者约会呢?“ 太不像话了,是不是, 朋友怎么可以这样冷酷无情?这或许听上去不太过分, 要是我告诉你 这话不是朋友说的。这其实是那位女士 对她自己说的。我们都干过这事儿, 尤其是被拒绝之后。我们开始去想 我们犯的错,我们的缺点, 我们要是这样就好了, 我们要是不那样就好了, 我们给自己起外号。也许程度不同, 但我们都干过这事。我们为什么会这样做。我们的自尊已经被伤害了。为什么我们要进一步伤害它呢?要是身体受伤了, 我们不会故意去把它弄的更糟。你要是胳膊上有个伤口, 你不会说,“啊,我知道!我要拿刀看我到底能捅多深。“

But we do that with psychological injuries all the time. Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene. Because we don't prioritize our psychological health. We know from dozens of studies that when your self-esteem is lower, you are more vulnerable to stress and to anxiety; that failures and rejections hurt more, and it takes longer to recover from them. So when you get rejected, the first thing you should be doing is to revive your self-esteem, not join Fight Club and beat it into a pulp. When you're in emotional pain, treat yourself with the same compassion you would expect from a truly good friend.

但是我们经常如此对待心理伤害。为什么?由于糟糕的心理保健意识。因为我们不重视心理健康。很多研究表明, 如果你的自尊心低落, 你就更容易感到压力和焦虑, 失败和拒绝会伤害你更深, 你也需要更多的时间复原。所以如果你被拒绝了, 首要的事情是应该 重新激活你的自尊心,而不是 去拳击俱乐部打拳来发泄。当你在经历感情上痛苦, 像一个真正的好朋友那样同情你自己。

We have to catch our unhealthy psychological habits and change them. And one of unhealthiest and most common is called rumination. To ruminate means to chew over. It's when your boss yells at you or your professor makes you feel stupid in class, or you have big fight with a friend and you just can't stop replaying the scene in your head for days, sometimes for weeks on end. Now, ruminating about upsetting events in this way can easily become a habit, and it's a very costly one, because by spending so much time focused on upsetting and negative thoughts, you are actually putting yourself at significant risk for developing clinical depression, alcoholism, eating disorders, and even cardiovascular disease.

我们需要改变 不健康的心理习惯。最常见又最不健康的习惯之一 就是穷思竭虑。就是事后反复咀嚼回味一件事。比如你的老板冲你发脾气了, 或是教授在课上让你感到愚蠢, 或是你和好朋友吵架了, 然后你不断的在脑海里 回放当时的情况,好几天, 甚至好几个礼拜都不停。反复回味不愉快的事 很容易变成习惯, 而这个习惯代价很大。因为当你在不愉快和 负面的事情上花这么多时间, 你把自己放在一个非常危险的境地, 可能诱发抑郁症,酗酒,饮食失调, 甚至心血管疾病。

The problem is, the urge to ruminate can feel really strong and really important, so it's a difficult habit to stop. I know this for a fact, because a little over a year ago, I developed the habit myself. You see, my twin brother was diagnosed with stage 3 non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. His cancer was extremely aggressive. He had visible tumors all over his body. And he had to start a harsh course of chemotherapy. And I couldn't stop thinking about what he was going through. I couldn't stop thinking about how much he was suffering, even though he never complained, not once. He had this incredibly positive attitude. His psychological health was amazing. I was physically healthy, but psychologically, I was a mess. But I knew what to do. Studies tell us that even a two-minute distraction is sufficient to break the urge to ruminate in that moment. And so each time I had a worrying, upsetting, negative thought, I forced myself to concentrate on something else until the urge passed. And within one week, my whole outlook changed and became more positive and more hopeful.问题在于那种反复回味的需要 会变得非常强烈,非常紧迫, 所以这种习惯会很难打破。我知道事实如此, 因为就在一年多以前, 我自己就经历了这个习惯。我的双胞胎哥哥 被确诊为三期非霍奇金淋巴瘤。他的癌症来势汹汹。全身都有看得到的肿瘤。他要做一轮大剂量的化疗。我情不自禁去想 他所经历的这一切。情不自禁去想 他受的这些罪, 尽管他从没抱怨过, 一次都没有。他有着这种不可思议的积极态度。他的心理健康程度太了不起了。我身体上很健康, 但心理上我那时是一团糟。但我知道该怎样做。研究表明, 哪怕只是分心短短两分钟 都足以打破那一刻 你穷思竭虑的需求。所以每次当我担心, 烦恼,或带有负面情绪时, 我就强迫自己专注于其他的事情, 直到那种感觉过去。仅仅一周时间, 我的视角就全变了 变得更积极,更充满希望。

Nine weeks after he started chemotherapy, my brother had a CAT scan, and I was by his side when he got the results. All the tumors were gone. He still had three more rounds of chemotherapy to go, but we knew he would recover. This picture was taken two weeks ago.

做了化疗九周之后, 我哥哥做了电脑断层扫描, 出结果的时候, 我就在他身边。所有的肿瘤都消失了。他还得再做三轮化疗, 但是我们知道他能恢复。这张照片是两周前照的。

By taking action when you're lonely, by changing your responses to failure, by protecting your self-esteem, by battling negative thinking, you won't just heal your psychological wounds, you will build emotional resilience, you will thrive. A hundred years ago, people began practicing personal hygiene, and life expectancy rates rose by over 50 percent in just a matter of decades. I believe our quality of life could rise just as dramatically if we all began practicing emotional hygiene.

当你在孤独的时候采取行动, 当你改变对待失败的反应, 当你保护自己的自尊心, 当你与负面的想法做斗争, 你不仅可以治愈心理上的创伤, 你会建立起情绪恢复能力, 你会变得更强。一百年以前, 人们开始注重个人卫生, 人的寿命延长了50%还多 这仅用了十年就实现了。我相信,我们的生活质量 也会有同样程度的提高 如果我们开始 关注情绪上的保健。

Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone was psychologically healthier? If there were less loneliness and less depression? If people knew how to overcome failure? If they felt better about themselves and more empowered? If they were happier and more fulfilled? I can, because that's the world I want to live in. And that's the world my brother wants to live in as well. And if you just become informed and change a few simple habits, well -- that's the world we can all live in.Thank you very much.

能想象一下么, 这个世界会是什么样子 如果每个人都在心理上更健康 如果世上少一些孤独和抑郁 如果人们了解 如何走出失败的阴影 如果人们更自信,充满力量。如果人们更幸福,更满足。我能,因为那是一个 我想置身其中的世界, 也是我哥哥想置身其中的世界。只要你了解这些知识, 并改变一些简单的习惯, 那将是一个 我们都能置身其中的世界。非常感谢。



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fsnfd850813 发表于 2020-1-19 13:10:08
学习了
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