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[TED] 【TED】如何在不过度管教的情况下,培养出成功的孩子!

发表于 2017-8-14 12:24:36 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

You know, I didn't set out to be a parenting expert. In fact, I'm not very interested in parenting, per Se. It's just that there's a certain style of parenting these days that is kind of messing up kids, impending their chances to develop into themselves.


There’s a certain style of parenting these days that’s getting in the way. I guess what I’m saying is, we spend a lot of time being very concerned about parents who aren’t involved enough in the lives of their kids and their education or their upbringing, and rightly so.


But at the other end of the spectrum, there’s a lot of harm going on there as well, where parents feel a kid can’t be successful unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn, and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment, and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.



But not just the grades, the scores, but the accolades and the awards and the sports, the activities, the leadership. We tell our kids, don’t just join a club, start a club, because colleges want to see that. And check the box for community service. I mean, show the colleges you care about others.

但不仅是成绩和分数,更是获得的表扬和奖项,还有运动活动上的,领导力上的荣誉。我们告诉他们, 别加入俱乐部,自己创建了一个,因为大学想看到这个,然后检查信箱关于社区服务的信息。我的意思是,展示给大学看你是关心别的。

And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection. We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection. We were never asked to perform at ourselves, and so because so much is required, we think, well then, of course we parents have to argue with every teacher and principle and coach and referee and act like our kid’s concierge and personal handler and secretary.


And then with our kids, our precious kids, we spend so much time nudging, cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be,to be sure they’re not screwing up, not closing doors, not ruining their future, some hoped-for admission to a tiny handful of colleges that deny almost every applicant.



And they see in our faces that our approval, that our love, that their very worth, comes from A’s. And then we walk alongside them and offer clucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show-coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther, day after day after day.


And when they get to high school, they don’t say, ‘ Well, what might I be interested in studying or doing as an activity?’ They go to counselors and they say,’ What do I need to do to get into the right college?’


And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school, and they’re getting some B’s, or God forbid some C’s, they frantically text their friends and say, ‘Has anyone ever gotten into the right college with these grades?’


And our kids, regardless of where they end up at the end of high school, they’re breathless. They’re a little burned out. They’re a little old before their time, wishing the grow-ups in their lives had said,’What you’ve done in enough,this effort you’ve put forth in childhood is enough.’



But if you llok at what we’ve done, if you have the courage to really look at it, you’ll see that not only do our kids think their worth comes from grades and scores, but that when we live right up inside their precious developing minds all the time, like our own version of the movie ‘Being John Malkovich,’ we send our children the message: ‘Hey kid, I don’t think you can actually achieve any of this without me.’



So simply put, if our children are to develop self-efficacy, and they must, then they hav to do a whole lot more of the thinking,planning, deciding, doing, hoping, coping, trial and error, dreaming,and experiencing of life for themselves。


Now, am I saying every kid is hard-working and motivated and doesn’t need a parent’s involvement or interest in their lives, and we should just back off and let go? Hell no. That is not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards as the purpose of childhood, all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges or entrance to a small number of careers, that ’s too narrow a definition of success for our kids.


And even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins by overhelping like they get a better grade if we help them do their homework, they might end up with a longer childhood resume when we help-what I’m saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost to their sense of self. What I’m saying is , we should be less concerned with the specific set of colleges they might be able to apply to or might get into and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set, the wellness, to be successful wherever they go.


What I’m saying is, our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores and a whole lot more interested in childhood providing a foundation for their success built on things like love and chores.


Did I just say chores? Did I just say chores? I really did. But really, here’s why. The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted is called the Harvard Grant Study. It found that professional success in life, which is what we want for our kids, that professional success in life comes from having dong chores as a kid, and the earlier you started, the better, that a roll-up-your-sleeves.


And pitch in mindest, a mindset that says, there’s some unpleasant work, someone’s got to do it, it might as well be me, a mindset that says, I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole, that’s what gets you ahead in the workplace.


Now, we all know this. You know this. We all know this, and yet, in the checklisted childhood, we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house, and then they end up as young adults in the workplace still waiting for a checklist, but it doesn’t exist, and more importantly, lacking the impulse, the instinct to roll up their sleeves, and pitch in and look around and wonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues?How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?


A second very important finding from the Harvard Grand Study said that happiness in life comes from love, not love of work, love of humans: our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family.


So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love, and the they can’t love others if they don’t first love themselves, and they won’t themselves if we can’t offer them unconditional love.


Right. And so, instead of being obsessed with grades and scores, when our precious offspring come home from school, or we come home from work, we need to close our technology, put away our phones, and look them in the eye, and let them see the joy that fills our faces, when we see our child for the first time in a few hours.


And then we have to say,’ How was your day? What did you like about today?’ And when your teenage daughter says,’Lunch,’ like mine did, and I want to hear about the math test, not lunch, you have to still take an interest in lunch. You gotta say, ‘What was great about lunch today?’

我们应该说,你今天怎么样啦?今天你喜欢的事情是什么?当你女儿说,“午餐,” 和我一样,我想听的是数学测验而不是午餐,你应该仍然把注意力放在午餐上。你要说“今天的午餐好在哪里啊?”

They need to know they matter to us as humans, not because of their GPA. All right, so you’re thinking, chores and love, that sounds all well and good, but give me a break. The colleges want to see top scores and grades and accolades and awards, and I’m going to tell you, sort of.


The very biggest brand-name schools are asking that of our young adults, but here’s the good news. Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe-you don’t have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools to be happy and successful in life.


Happy and successful people went to state school, went to a small college no one has heard of, went to community college, went to a college over here and flunked out.


The evidence is in this room, is in our communities, that this is the truth. And if we could widen our blinders and be willing to look at a few more colleges, maybe remove our own egos from the equation, we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize, it is hardly the end of the world, if our kids don’t go to one of those big brand-name schools.


And more importantly, if their childhood has not been lived, according to tyrannical checklist then when they get to college, whichever one it is, well, they’ll have gone there on their own volition, fueled by their own desire, capable and ready to thrive there.


I have to admit something to you. I’ve got two kids I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery. They’re teenagers. And once upon atime, I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery like little bonsai trees-that I was going to carefully clip and prune and shape into some perfect form of a human one of the most highly selective colleges.


But I’ve come to realize, after working with thousands of other people’s kids-and raising two kids of my own, my kids aren’t bonsai trees. They’re wildflowers of an unknown genus and species-and it’s my job to provide a nourishing environment, to strengthen them through chores and to love them so they can love others and receive love and the college, the major, the career, that’s up to them.


My job is not to make them become what I would have them become, but to support them in becoming their glorious selves.Thank you!


[发帖际遇]: 一个袋子砸在了 katy 头上,katy 赚了 5 元 家元. 幸运榜 / 衰神榜
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