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Hi, I'm Jimmy Kimmel, and I'm the host of the Oscars this year.

You know, I get so many letters from people asking me, "How do I win one of these?"

And...well, first thing you have to do is get a job as a waiter.

Mozzarella sticks and your side of donut holes.

Don't mind if I dip... Thank you. Next you have to go to a lot of auditions.

I don't care how allergic you are, Senator. There's no law that says that a dog can't be president.

That's actually...true. And finally, when you do get the role, you have to act your little heart out.

Don't you die on me, soldier! That's an order!

And if all goes well, the Oscar goes to you!

I would like to thank my shaman, Morita. Don't forget to thank your mother.

Oh, yeah. Uh, thanks, Mom. And...

Also, keep it short. I have things to do, so—

And thank you to the Academy.

Now, it's just that simple. The Oscars.

Where are you going with...? The Oscars That's not yours. Live February 26 on ABC That's not yours!