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我们是否可以选择不再恋爱?

发布者: 五毒 | 发布时间: 2023-1-16 22:24| 查看数: 22| 评论数: 0|



Hello, my name is Dessa, and I'm a member of a hip-hop collective called Doomtree.

大家好,我叫黛莎,是一个名为Doomtree的嘻哈团体的成员。

I'm the one in the tank top.

我是那个穿背心的人。

And I make my living as a performing, touring rapper and singer.

我以巡演表演为生——是一位独立歌手,也是说唱歌手。

When we perform as a collective, this is what our shows look like.

我们的集体表演就是这样子。

I'm the one in the boots.

我是那个穿靴子的人。

There's a lot of jumping.

表演中有很多跳跃动作,

There's a lot of sweating.

我们常常大汗淋漓。

It's loud.

表演很喧闹,

It's very high-energy.

需要非常高的能量消耗。

Sometimes there are unintentional body checks onstage.

偶尔在舞台上身体会互相阻挡。

Sometimes there are completely intentional body checks onstage.

又有时候会有身体故意的互相碰撞。

It's kind of a hybrid between an intramural hockey game and a concert.

有点像校内音乐会和曲棍球比赛的混合。

However, when I perform my own music as a solo artist, I tend to gravitate towards more melancholy sounds.

然而当我作为一个独唱的艺术家时,更倾向于呈现忧郁的声音。

A few years ago, I gave my mom the rough mixes of a new album, and she said, "Baby, it's beautiful, but why is it always so sad?"

几年前,我给母亲一张混音的新专辑,她说,“宝贝,歌很美,但为什么总是那么忧伤?”

"You always make music to bleed out to."

“你总是创作渗出悲凉的音乐。”

And I thought, "Who are you hanging out with that you know that phrase?"

我想,“你是和谁一起学会这个词儿的?”

But over the course of my career, I've written so many sad love songs that I got messages like this from fans:

在我的职业生涯中,写了非常多忧伤的爱情歌曲,以致常常收到这样的信息:

"Release new music or a book. I need help with my breakup."

“尽快出新音乐或书籍,帮助我渡过分手期。”

And after performing and recording and touring those songs for a long time,

在演出,录制音像和巡演了很长一段时间之后,

I found myself in a position in which my professional niche was essentially romantic devastation.

我发现自己的专业定位是达致完全摧毁浪漫的地步。

What I hadn't been public about, however, was the fact that most of these songs had been written about the same guy.

然而我并没有公开,这些歌曲大部分都是和同一个人有关的。

And for two years, we tried to sort ourselves out, and then for five and on and off for 10.

有两年,我们两人试图梳理我们之间的问题,然后是五年,并断断续续十年了。

And I was not only heartbroken, but I was kind of embarrassed that I couldn't rebound from what other people seemed to recover from so regularly.

我不只是心碎,而且还有点难为情,因为我没办法像其他人一样,从这个状态恢复过来。

And even though I knew it wasn't doing either of us any good, I just couldn't figure out how to put the love down.

我知道这对我俩都没有好处,我只是不知道如何把那爱放下。

Then, drinking white wine one night, I saw a TED Talk by a woman named Dr. Helen Fisher,

有一天,在喝了一夜的酒之后,我看了海伦·费雪女博士的TED演讲,

and she said that in her work, she'd been able to map the coordinates of love in the human brain.

她提到她已经能够绘制出人类大脑中恋爱的坐标。

And I thought, well, if I could find my love in my brain, maybe I could get it out.

于是我想,如果我可以在大脑中找到我的恋情所在,也许可以把它拿出來。

So I went to Twitter.

所以我登上推特,

"Anybody got access to an fMRI lab, like at midnight or something?

“无论是午夜或任何时候,谁有进入功能磁共振实验室的许可?

I'll trade for backstage passes and whiskey."

我会用后台通行证和威士忌交换。”

And that's Dr. Cheryl Olman, who works at the University of Minnesota's Center for Magnetic Resonance Research.

那是谢丽尔·奥尔曼博士,她在明尼苏达大学的磁共振研究中心工作。

She took me up on it.

她接受了我的邀请。

I explained Dr. Fisher's protocol,

我解释了费雪医生的治疗方案,

and we decided to recreate it with a sample size of one, me.

商议后决定用我,这唯一一个样本做这个试验。

So I got decked out in a pair of forest green scrubs, and I was laid on a gurney and wheeled into an fMRI machine.

我穿了一身森林绿色的衣服,躺在轮床上,然后被推入功能磁共振仪里。

If you're unfamiliar with that technology, essentially, an fMRI machine is a big,

如果你对那个技术不太熟悉,功能磁共振仪基本上是一个大型的管状磁铁,

tubular magnet that tracks the progress of deoxygenated iron in your blood.

可以跟踪血液中缺氧铁的变化。

So it's essentially figuring out what parts of your brain are making the biggest metabolic demand at any given moment.

它会弄清楚你大脑的哪一部分,在给定时刻有最大的新陈代谢需求。

And in that way, it can figure out which structures are associated with a task, like tapping your finger, for example,

由此计算出大脑哪个部分跟某一身体活动相关联,比如重复轻敲你的手指,

will always light up the same region, or in my case,

总能点亮同一的区域,或者在我的例子中,

looking at pictures of your ex-boyfriend and then looking at pictures of a dude who just sort of resembled my ex-boyfriend but for whom I had no strong feelings.

望着我前男友的照片一段时间,然后看一张有点像我前男友的照片,但我对这人没有强烈的感情。

He was the control.

这是对照实验。

And when I left the machine, we had these really high-resolution images of my brain.

当我离开仪器,他们得到了我大脑非常高解析度的图像。

We could cleave the two halves apart.

他们可以将我的大脑成像分成两半,

We could inflate the cortex to see inside all of the wrinkles, essentially,

使皮质膨胀,看到所有皱纹,

in a view that Dr. Cheryl Olman called the "brain skin rug."

这就是谢丽尔·奥尔曼博士所说的“大脑外皮地毯”。

And we could see how my brain had behaved when I looked at images of both men.

当我分别看这两个男人的照片时,我的大脑有不同反应。

And this was important.

这点很重要。

We could track all of the activity when I looked at the control and when I looked at my ex,

这样可以追踪我的所有脑部活动,包括我看到前男友及对照男士的情况,

and it was in comparing these data sets that we'd be able to find the love alone, in the same way that,

然后通过对比这两种情况的数据集,就能够寻找我的所爱是谁;

if I were to step on a scale fully dressed and then step on it again naked, the difference between those numbers would be the weight of my clothing.

跟我穿着衣服站在体重秤上,然后裸体站在秤上的道理类似,这些数据的差异就是我衣服的重量。

So when we did that data comparison, we subtracted one from the other,

所以当做了那些数据比较之后,我们找到了有用的结果,

we found activity in exactly the regions that Dr. Fisher would have predicted.

实验发现活跃的领域正好就在费雪医生预测的地方。

That's me.

那是我。

And that's my brain in love.

那是我恋爱的大脑。

There was activity in that little orange dot, the ventral tegmental area,

那个小橘点是在中脑的活动,位于腹侧被盖区,

that kind of loop of red is the anterior cingulate and that golden set of horns is the caudates.

那红色的环是前扣带,那对金色的角就是尾状核。

After she had had time to analyze the data with her team and a couple of partners, Andrea and Phil, Cheryl sent me an image, a single slide.

她与团队成员,包括安德里亚和菲尔,花了些时间分析了数据之后,谢丽尔给我发来一张图片。

It was my brain in cross section, with one bright dot of activity that represented my feelings for this dude.

是我大脑的横截面,这个亮点代表脑部活动,是我对这家伙的感情。

And I'd known I was in love, and that's the whole reason I was going to these outrageous lengths.

我知道我仍陷入爱河,这也是我为何花这么多心思的原因。

But having an image that proved it felt like such a vindication, like, "Yeah, it's all in my head, but now I know exactly where."

我感觉这张照片是一种确认,就像,“一切都在我的脑海里,现在找到正确的位置了。”

And I also felt like an assassin who had her mark.

我也觉得自己像个有了目标的刺客。

That was what I had to annihilate.

那就是我必须消灭的东西。

So I decided to embark on a course of treatment called "neurofeedback."

所以我决定参加一项治疗课程,称为“神经反馈”。

I worked with a woman named Penijean Gracefire, and she explained that what we'd be doing was training my brain.

我和佩尼琴·格雷斯菲尔女士合作,她解释道只需要做那些用来训练我大脑的事情。

We're not lobotomizing anything.

无需进行脑叶切开术。

We're training it in the way that we would train a muscle,

用类似训练肌肉的方法来训练我的大脑,

so that it would be flexible enough and resilient enough to respond appropriately to my circumstances.

让它有足够的灵活性和弹性,来应对我的处境,做出适当的反应。

So when we're on the treadmill, we would anticipate that our heart would beat and pound, and when we're asleep, we would ask that that muscle slow.

当我们在跑步机上会预期心脏砰砰跳动,而当我们睡觉时,会让心跳慢下来。

Similarly, when I'm in a long-term, viable, loving romantic relationship, the emotional centers of my brain should engage,

同样,当我处于一段长期、可维持、充满爱的浪漫关系中,我大脑的情感中心会参与其中,

and when I'm not in a long-term, viable, emotional, loving relationship, they should eventually chill out.

而当我不处于一段长期、可维持、激情的恋爱关系中时,大脑的情感中心最终会冷静下来。

So she came over with a set of electrodes just smaller than a dime that were sensitive enough to detect my brainwaves through my bone and hair and scalp.

佩尼琴带来了一套比一角硬币还小的电极,敏感度足以穿透头骨,头发和头皮、侦测我的脑电波。

And when she rigged me up, I could see my brain working in real time.

当我佩戴上了电极,就可以实时检测我的大脑活动。

And in another view that she showed me, I could see exactly which parts of my brain were hyperactive, here displayed in red;

同时她给我看的另一幅图,可以清楚看到我大脑哪些部分极度活跃,就是红色的部分;

hypoactive, here displayed in blue; and the healthy threshold of behavior, the green zone, the Goldilocks zone, which is where I wanted to go.

不活跃的,用蓝色来表示;以及健康的行为门槛,就是绿色和金色的区域,我想要改变的颜色。

And we can, in fact, isolate just those parts of my brain that were associated with the romantic regulation that we'd identified in the Fisher study.

事实上,在我大脑中可以识别出在费雪研究中发现与浪漫规则相关的部分。

So Penijean, several times, hooked me up with all her electrodes, and she explained that I didn't have to do or think anything.

有几次,佩尼琴给我接上了所有的电极,她指示我什么都不用做,不用想。

I just essentially had to hold pretty still and stay awake and watch.

我只要保持安静,保持清醒,只是观察着。

So I did.

所以我就这么做了。

And every time my brain operated in that healthy threshold, I got a little run of harp or vibraphone music.

每次我的大脑在那个健康的阈值中运行,都会听到一些竖琴或电颤琴音乐。

And I just watched my brain rotate at roughly the speed of a gyro machine on my dad's flat-screen TV.

我总是从父亲的平板电视上看到大脑在以陀螺的速度旋转。

And that was counterintuitive.

那是违反直觉的。

She said the learning would be essentially unconscious.

她说这种学习基本上是无意识的。

But then I thought about the other things I had learned without actively engaging my conscious mind.

但后来我又想到,我在没有意识的情况下学到的其他东西。

When you ride a bike, I don't really know what, like, my left calf muscle is doing,

当你骑自行车时,我并不确切知道我的左小腿肌肉在做什么,

or how my latissimus dorsi knows to engage when I wobble to the right.

或者我的背阔肌在我向右摇晃时会如何配合。

The body just learns.

身体自然就学会了。

And similarly, Pavlov's dogs probably don't know a lot about, like, protein structures or the waveform of a ringing bell,

同样,巴甫洛夫的狗可能不太了解蛋白质结构或铃声的波形,

but they salivate nonetheless because the body paired the stimuli.

但它们还是会分泌唾液,因为那身体与刺激自动就发生反应。

Finished the sessions, went back to Dr. Cheryl Olman's fMRI machine,

我完成了课程,回到谢丽尔·欧曼博士的功能磁共振仪器,

and we repeated the protocol, the same images -- of the ex, of the control and, in the interest of scientific rigor,

继续之前的医疗实验计划,同样的照片——一张前男友,一张对照组的,为了科学的严密性,

Cheryl and her team didn't know who was who, so that they couldn't influence the results.

谢丽尔和她的团队不知道照片上分别是谁,所以他们不能影响结果。

And after she had time to analyze that second set of data, she sent me that image.

在她花时间分析了第二次数据后,她送来了那张图像。

She said, "Dude A's dominance of your brain seems to essentially have been eradicated.

她说,“主导你大脑的男子A基本上被根除了。

I think this is the desired result," comma, yes, question mark.

我想这是我们希望的结果,是吗?”事件告一阶段了,但为什么?

And that was the exactly the desired result.

那确实是我们预期的结果。

And finally, I allowed myself a moment to introspect, like, how did I feel?

最后,我让自己反省,比如,我当时是什么感觉?

And in one way, it felt like it was the same inventory of feelings that I'd had at the outset.

在某种程度上,这感觉和我一开始的感觉是一样的。

This isn't "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."

这不是《美丽心灵的永恒阳光》。

The dude wasn't a stranger.

那家伙不是陌生人。

But I'd had love and jealousy and amity and attraction and respect and all those complicated feelings that you amass after long-term love.

但是,他曾经激起过我的爱、嫉妒、亲密、爱慕和尊重,以及在长期的恋爱之后所积累的所有那些复杂的情感。

But it felt like the benevolent feelings had risen to the surface,

然而我感觉仁慈的心已经浮出水面,

and the feelings of fixation and the less-generous feelings weren't quite so present.

那些依恋,负面的感情、已经没有那么明显了。

And that sounds like a small thing in some way, this resequencing of feelings, but to me it felt like the biggest thing.

听起来似乎没什么大不了,但这种情感的重新排序,对我而言,是天大的事情。

Like, if I told you, "I'm going to anesthetize you, and I'm also going to take out your wisdom teeth,"

就好像我告诉你,“我要麻醉你,并打算拔掉你的智齿,”

it would really matter to you the sequence in which I did those two things.

我做这两件事情的顺序对你很重要。

And I also felt like I'd had this really unusual philosophical privilege to understand love.

并且我也感觉到我有这种不同寻常的哲学特权去理解爱情。

The lab offered to 3D-print my caudate.

实验室提供了我的尾状核的3D打印模型,

I got to hold love in my hand.

我要把爱情握在手里。

And then I bronzed it, and I made it into a necklace and sold it at the merch table at my shows.

它已被涂成古铜色,做成了一条项链,在我演唱会的商品桌上卖掉了。

And then, with the help of a couple of friends back in Minneapolis, one of them Becky, we made an enormous disco ball of it --

然后,在明尼阿波利斯几个朋友的帮助下,其中之一是贝基,我们参照它做了一个巨大的迪斯科球——

that could descend from the ceiling at my big shows.

可能在我的大型演出上从天花板上掉下来。

And I felt like I'd had the opportunity to better understand love, even the compulsive parts.

我感觉我借着这个机会更好的理解了爱情,即便是必须要经过苦恋的部分。

It isn't a neat, symmetrical Valentine's heart.

它不是一颗条理有序情人节的心。

It's bodily, it's systemic, it is a hideous pair of ram's horns buried somewhere deep within your skull, and when that special boy walks by,

它是有身体的、系统的、仿佛一对丑恶的公羊角,埋在你的头骨深处,当那个特别的男孩经过时,

it lights up, and if he likes you back and you make each other happy, then you fan the flames.

它就会亮起来,如果他也喜欢你,你们会让彼此快乐,会煽起火焰。

And if he doesn't, then you assemble a team of neuroscientists to snuff them out by force.

如果他不喜欢你,就去召集一组神经科学家,用武力将它们消灭。


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