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同情心如何挽救一段紧张的关系

发布者: 五毒 | 发布时间: 2022-9-5 21:30| 查看数: 69| 评论数: 0|



I am unabashedly a daddy's girl. My daddy is the first person to have told me that I was beautiful. He often told me that he loved me. And he was one of my favorite people in the entire world, which was why it was really challenging to discover that we had a deep ideological divide that was so sincere and so deep that caused me to not talk to him for 10 years.

我是父亲的贴心小棉袄,这没什么不好意思说的。我的父亲是第一个告诉我我很漂亮的人。他过去总是会告诉我他爱我。他也是我在这个世界上最喜欢的人之一,所以我很难接受,我们在思想观念上存在着巨大的、现实的分歧,以至于我整整十年都没有和他说过话。

Before the term was coined, I canceled my father. In the last few years, cancel culture has of course come into great prominence. It's existed throughout time. But cancel culture in the bigger society is when a person in prominence says or does something that we, the people, disagree with. And the decision is made to make them persona non grata. They are done. They are not to be revered. They are not to be a part of our world anymore.

在“取消”这个网络热词产生之前,我就先行一步,“取消”了我的父亲。过去几年,”取消文化“无疑已为人所熟知。一直存在于我们当中,从社会范畴来说,”取消文化“是指某位知名人士发表或做了某些公众反对的言论和事情后,就会被舆论抵制。他们的职业生涯就结束了。不再受人敬仰。从此告别公众视野。

And that is in the public realm. I'm going to talk to you today about the private realm. When we choose to cancel the people in our circle, the people in our core, the people who love us and who we love. And it has been mutually beneficial. But due to a deep and sincere ideological divide, we make the decision to cancel them out of our lives. I want to suggest that cancel culture needs to change. And instead we need to move to compassion culture.

以上是从社会范畴进行的解释。而我今天想谈谈这个词在私人范畴的内涵。即我们选择将某些人从我们的社交圈中“移除”,“移除”将那些对我们很重要的人,“移除”那些爱我们的和我们爱的人,尽管一直以来彼此之间互帮互助,但由于思想观念上巨大的、现实的分歧,我们决定将他们从我们的生活中“移除”。我想说的是,我们需要改变“取消文化”,转向“同情文化”。

But before I go there, let me tell you two of the premises that exist when we indulge in cancel culture. One, we have to believe that we're right. A hundred percent, no possibility of being wrong. And two, the other person, the person we're going to cancel, clearly does not have the ability to change, to grow, to develop. Obviously, both of these are problematic. Because sometimes we're not right. I don't know about you.

在我谈论到这个之前,我想谈谈我们热衷于“移除”他人的两个前提。第一个前提是,我们坚信自己是对的。百分之百正确,压根不会错。第二个前提是,认为对方,也就是我们要“移除”的那个人,显然不可能做出改变,成长成熟,完善自身。但显而易见,这两个前提都是有问题的。因为我们并非总是正确的。我不了解你们的情况。

But there have been times in my life when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was right only to discover that I was wrong, badly wrong, completely missed the mark. So if it could happen to me and perhaps it's happened to you, perhaps it could happen to others. The second is a little even more challenging.

Because I know that I've changed over the years. Haven't we all? Though the core parts of Betty have pretty much stayed the same, there have been key elements that have changed drastically.

但我人生中曾有数次坚信自己无比正确,最后却发现自己错了。大错特错,错得离谱。这种情况既然能发生在我身上,也能发生在你身上,乃至其他人身上。第二个前提更不可能成立。因为我知道这些年来我已经改变了不少。有一直不变的人吗?尽管我自身的核心部分基本从未变过,但有一些重要的组成部分发生了巨大的改变。

The Betty of eight years old was not the same as the Betty of 18, which was not the same as 28, which was not the same as 38. I've changed. And if I'm able to change, shouldn't I extend grace to believe that others can change too? So what should we do? Instead of canceling people, we should use the tool called compassion. I find the definition of compassion is a fascinating one. And it's not one that I hear people talk about.

18岁时的我与8岁时的我不是同一个人,与28岁的我、38岁的我自然也不一样。我已经改变了。如果我可以改变,那我为什么不选择相信别人也能呢?所以我们要做些什么?我们应当给予同情,而非“移除”他人。我觉得“同情”一词的定义十分耐人寻味。和一般人们所说的“同情”不同。

Compassion means to suffer with someone. To suffer alongside them. Imagine. When someone, say, Grandpa, says that thing that's caused you to decide he's no longer invited to Thanksgiving, what if instead we chose to suffer alongside him? We decided that our love was so big, so deep, so strong that we were willing to suffer, even when it could be potentially painful. Now let's be clear. I am not denying anyone's right to cancel anyone else. What I'm suggesting is that maybe that's not the best way.

我说的“同情”是指要体会别人遭受的一切。感受他们经历的苦痛。试想一下。当别人,比如说你的祖父,他所说的话让你决定再也不邀请他来共度感恩节。但要是我们选择对别人的经历感同身受呢?我们选择给予对方深沉强烈的爱,爱到可以对他人的经历感同身受,即便这可能会让我们十分痛苦。现在先让我们明确一件事情。我并不否认任何人都有“移除”他人的权利。我只是想说这可能并不是最好的方法。

When we think about the situation with Grandpa at Thanksgiving, if we choose to cancel him, we are no longer in proximity to him. Not only do we not get to hear his point of view, we don't get to share ours.What if we're the only person, because of our deep connection and love and affection for our grandfather, and substitute anyone you choose. What if we're the ones to plant seeds of change, seeds of influence, seeds of difference. Now, to be fair, I cannot promise you that just because you plant the seed, that it will get water,that it'll get any sunlight or even a little fertilizer.

如果我们在感恩节,“移除”祖父,我们彼此的关系就再也不会像以前那样亲近。我们不仅无法得知他的想法,他也无从得知我们的想法。倘若我们是祖父唯一可以依靠的人,因为我们彼此之间关系亲厚,我们对祖父爱得深切——你可以将这里的祖父替换为任何一个你想替换的人。倘若我们就是播下变革之种,影响之种,多元之种的人。现在,坦白来讲,我并不能向你们做出保证,保证只要播下种子,种子就会得到雨水浇灌,阳光照射,甚至化肥滋养。

But what I can tell you is that if you don't plant it, who will? I find it interesting, this idea of suffering alongside someone. It means that we are choosing to value the totality of the person rather than one particular aspect,like a framework or a mindset or a belief system. We're choosing to believe that the entire person is more valuable than any of the individual parts. And I found an amazing duo who demonstrated this beautifully. Perhaps you've heard of them.

但我想说的是,如果你们自己都不播下这颗种子,那还有谁会呢?我认为对他人的经历感同身受这一观念很有意思。它意味着我们选择去尊重一个人的全部,而非某一方面,比如某一观念、思维方式或信仰体系等。我们选择相信一个人的全部比任何单一部分更加可贵。我也看到这一点在两个绝佳拍档身上得到完美的诠释。可能你们都听说过他们。

The late justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Antonin Scalia were close, close friends. And they were completely divided in terms of belief systems. In fact, Antonin Scalia once said: What's not to like, other than her thoughts on the law. He believed she was wrong. She believed he was wrong. They did not shift in that point of view whatsoever. And yet they had tea together every week, and every New Year's Eve, they spent it together with their families. They went on family vacations together.

两位已故的大法官鲁斯·巴德·金斯伯格和安东尼·斯卡利亚是亲密无间的好友。但他们秉持着两种截然不同的信念。事实上安东尼·斯卡利亚曾经说过,“再也没有什么比她的法治思想更加让人讨厌的了。”他认为金斯伯格是错的。而金斯伯格也没认为他正确到哪里去。二人坚决捍卫自己的观点。但他们每周都会聚在一起喝茶,每年除夕,他们两家都会一起庆祝。他们两家人共度假日时光。

They chose to suffer with each other rather than to cancel each other. Their love and respect for each other continued to grow, even though they never saw eye to eye. I imagine that curiosity might be a part of that. That if we choose to be curious about that which is different, we might discover something along the way. After all, if we are who we are because of our lived experiences, isn't that true for someone else? And have we ever decided to use that tool of empathy, of walking a mile or so in someone else's shoes to really discover the context for why they believe what they believe?

他们选择对彼此的经历感同身受,而非“移除”对方。他们对对方的爱和尊重不断加深,纵然双方观点并不一致。我觉得或许是好奇心在其中发挥了重要作用。如果我们对双方的不同之处存有好奇,就会在相处时发现一些别样之处。毕竟,如果造就我们的是过往的生活经历,那别人也未必不是如此。我们有考虑过去运用共情,将心比心,换位思考找到对方对自己信念坚定不移的深层原因吗?

Now, by now you're probably saying: Yeah, OK, Betty, this sounds good. But what about you? What about you and your dad? It's a fair question. After 10 years of not talking to my dad, I picked up the phone one day, called him and said: I bet if it were up to you, you'd probably go back in time and change some things. I know I would.But since we can't, how about we start again? And he said: Yes, because I love you. I always have. And I always will. I am so grateful that I made that call.

现在你很可能会说,“是的,好吧,贝蒂,听起来不错。但你自己又是怎么做的呢?你和你的父亲关系怎么样呢?这个问题问得好。在十年未和我父亲说话后,我终于在某一天拿起电话,打给他并说,“我猜现在如果是你的话,你很可能会想回到当初、做出改变。我知道要是我的话我会这样做。但既然没有如果,不如我们重新开始好吗?”我的父亲回答,“当然,因为我爱你。我一直爱你。永远爱你。“我很庆幸我打了这通电话。

Because there was no way for me to know that a few years later my dad would develop Alzheimer's. And a few years after that he would die. And we never saw eye to eye about the thing that divided us, ever. But our love continued. It continued through those 10 years when we didn't speak. And it continued in the six years after. So I am encouraging us to become a society of people that choose compassion over canceling. I'm asking us to consider that curiosity might be a better practice.

毕竟我怎么也不会知道,几年后父亲会患上阿尔茨海默症。再过几年,他就会撒手人寰。我们从来没有就我们之间的分歧达成一致,一直没有。但我们对彼此的爱一直在那里。尽管这十年间我们断绝联系爱也从未消失。在随后的六年里依然如此。因此我希望你们参与进来选择同情他人,而非“移除”他人。我希望大家认识到对他人保持好奇可能是更好的做法。

That we might choose empathy, that we might choose to have a love that is so deep, so wide, so strong that it can surpass differences. Why are we so scared of differences anyway? I also want us to be a people that plant seeds, seeds of change, seeds of influence, seeds of diversity. Again, I cannot promise to you or anyone else that planting that seed is going to make a difference. But what if it does? I am the sum of who I am because of everything that I've been exposed to.

我们可以选择与他人共情,我们对彼此的爱可以深沉、宽广、强烈到足以超越彼此之间的分歧。我们为什么要如此恐惧彼此的不同呢?我希望各位做播下种子的人,那些种子可以变革社会、影响他人,推广多元。再次强调,我并不能向你们或其他任何人保证,播下种子会带来改变。但万一做到了呢?造就现在的我的是我所经历的一切。

My mind has changed over the years and grown because of the people in my life who planted seeds in me, some that I saw and some that I didn't. So wouldn't it be great if instead of having a cancel culture we create a compassion culture, where we are willing to suffer alongside the ones we love. Because we love them. And can't we become a community that plants seeds? After all, if we don't, who will? Thank you.

这么多年过去了,我的思维方式早已改变,不断成熟,这都得益于一路上人们在我内心播下的种子,有一些种子,是我清楚知悉的,也有种子,是我无从知晓的。所以为什么不摒弃“取消文化”创造“同情文化”呢?在这样一种文化里,我们愿意对所爱之人的经历感同身受。因为我们爱他们。我们为什么不去成为播下种子的那群人呢?毕竟,如果我们不去做,还有谁会去做呢?谢谢。


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