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我为什么不想要孩子

发布者: 五毒 | 发布时间: 2022-8-1 16:00| 查看数: 103| 评论数: 0|



I recognized the roles that were placed on me very early. One persistent concept that I observed -- existing in our language, in our media -- was that women are not only supposed to have children, they are supposed to want to. This existed everywhere. It existed in the ways that adults spoke to me when they posed questions in the context of "when." "When you get married ..." "When you have kids ..." And these future musings were always presented to me like part of this American dream, but it always felt to me like someone else's dream. You see, a value that I have always understood about myself was that I never wanted children. And as a kid, when I would try to explain this, this disconnect between their roles and my values, they often laughed in the way that adults do at the absurdities of children. And they would tell me knowingly, "You'll change your mind."

我在小时候就认识到了 自己被设置的角色。 据我观察,有一个根深蒂固的观念, 存在于我们的语言和媒体中。 那就是女人不仅应当有孩子, 而且她们想要有孩子。 这种观念无处不在。 当大人们在“当你······”的语境中提问, 它就存在于他们跟我说话的方式里。 “当你结婚的时候······” “当你有了孩子······” 对未来的这些思考总是呈现在我面前, 就像美国梦一样, 但对我来说,这就像是别人的梦想。 我一直了解自己的价值观, 那就是我从来没想过要孩子。 但我很小的时候, 我试图去向大人们解释 他们的角色和我价值观的脱节时, 他们经常笑我, 以一种大人对待 小孩的无稽之谈的方式。 并且他们仿佛 什么都知道一样告诉我, “你会回心转意的。”

And people have been saying things like that to me my whole life. Otherwise polite conversation can turn intrusive fast. "Does your husband know?"

在我的整个人生中, 人们一直这样对我说, 要么礼貌的谈话会 很快变得具有侵扰性。 “你的丈夫知道吗?”

"Do your parents know?"

“你的父母知道吗?”

"Don't you want a family?" "Don't you want to leave anything behind?" And the primary buzzword when discussing childlessness, "That's selfish."

“你不想要一个家庭吗?” “你不想在身后留下点什么吗?” 在讨论无子女问题的时候, 最流行的词就是, “这太自私了。”

There are countless reasons a woman may have for choosing to abstain from motherhood, the majority of them not self-prioritizing. But it is still socially acceptable to publicly vilify women as such, because none of these reasons have made it into the social narrative. When I was little and learning about the inevitability of maternity, it was never explained to me the commonness of these factors that women consider, like the risk of passing on hereditary illness, the danger of having to stop life-saving medication for the duration of your pregnancy, concern about overpopulation, your access to resources, and the fact that there are 415,000 children in the foster-care system in the United States at any given time. Reasons like these, many more, and the fact that I don't like to leave things of this magnitude to chance, all informed my decision to become surgically sterilized.

一个女人有无数的原因 选择不做母亲。 她们中大多数都没有 优先考虑自己。 但社会还是选择接受这种 公开诋毁妇女的想法, 因为没有任何理由使绝育 变为社会上一种流行的说法。 我小时候就知道了做母亲的必然性, 但从没人跟我解释 妇女需要考虑的因素, 像遗传疾病的风险, 怀孕期间不得不停止 使用救命药的危险, 人口过剩的担忧, 获取资源的机会, 以及在美国有 415000 个 孩子被寄养的事实。 像这样的原因还有很多, 为了杜绝这些因素发生, 我决定 做绝育手术。

I began my research eagerly. I wanted to fully understand all that was going to come with undergoing a tubal ligation, which is just another word for getting your tubes tied. I wanted to know approval to aftermath, satisfaction rates, risks, statistics. And at first, I was empowered. You see, the way the narrative has always been taught to me, I would have thought that women who didn't want children were so rare, and then I learned one in five American women won't be having a biological child -- some by choice, some by chance.

我开始热切的做相关的调查。 我想要完全了解 关于输卵管结扎手术的一切, 简单来说,就是把你的输卵管打个结。 我想知道手术的批准和善后、 满意度、风险以及一些统计数据。 开始的时候,我大受鼓舞。 要知道,过去的观念还一直影响着我, 我本以为不想要孩子的女性非常的少, 但是后来我了解到, 在美国,有五分之一 的女人不想生育孩子。 有些是自愿的,有些是偶然的。

But I was not alone. But the more I read, the more disheartened I became. I read women's stories, trying desperately to get this procedure. I learned how common it was for women to exhaust their finances appealing to dozens of ob-gyns over many years, only to be turned down so many times, often with such blatant disrespect that they just gave up. Women reported that medical practitioners were often condescending and dismissive of their motivations, being told things like, "Come back when you're married with a child." But women who did have children, who went to go get this procedure, were told they were too young, or they didn't have enough children, which is very interesting, because the legal requirements in my state for getting this kind of surgery were, "Be at least 21 years old," "appear of sound mind, acting of your own accord," and "have a 30-day waiting period." And I was perplexed that I could meet all of these legal requirements and still have to face a battle in the exam room for my bodily autonomy. And it was daunting, but I was determined.

所以我不是一个人在战斗。 但是我了解得越多,就变得越沮丧。 我了解了很多女人的经历, 她们不顾一切的想要做绝育手术。 但很多女人为此倾家荡产, 很多年来,咨询了几十个妇产科医生, 得到的结果只有被拒绝, 还经常受到不公的待遇, 最后她们都放弃了。 很多妇女报告说, 执业医生经常是高傲的, 对她们的决定不屑一顾。 她们得到的回答往往是, “等你结婚有小孩后再来吧。” 但当女人生完孩子, 再去做绝育手术的时候, 医生又会说她们太年轻了, 或者她们还想要更多的孩子, 这简直太嘲讽了。 因为在我所在的州, 做这种手术的法律规定是, “21岁以上,” “心智健全,精神正常,” 还要“30天的等待周期。” 让我不解的是, 我满足所有的法律要求, 但为了我身体的自主权, 在检验室仍然还要 面临一场战争, 这非常令人气馁, 但我决心已定。

I remember I dressed so professionally to that first appointment.

我记得第一次赴约的时候, 打扮得非常职业。

I sat up straight. I spoke clearly. I wanted to give that doctor every piece of evidence that I was not the date of birth in that file. And I made sure to mention things like, "I just got my bachelor's degree and I'm applying to these doctoral programs, I'm going to study these things." And "my long-term partner has this kind of business," and "I've done research on this for months. I understand everything about it, all the risks." Because I needed the doctor to know that this was not a whim, not reactionary, not your 20-something looking to go out and party without fear of getting knocked up ... (Laughter) that this supported something integral to who I was.

我坐得笔直。 讲话也很清晰。 我想让医生知道, 我不是档案里那么年轻。 我要确定传达出这些信息, “我刚刚取得学士学位, 正在申请一些什么博士学位项目, 我将来要做些什么研究。” 并且“我的长期伴侣也是做这行的,” “关于绝育,我也已经 做了几个月的研究了。 我了解各个方面和所有的风险。” 因为我要让医生知道,这不是心血来潮, 也不是要反对什么, 更不是 20 来岁出去聚会 担心肚子被搞大—— (笑声) 这么做只是为了让我成为我自己。

And I understand informed consent, so I fully expected to be reeducated on how it all worked, but ... At one point, the information being given to me started to feel agenda'd, interlaced with bias and inflated statistics. The questions began to feel interrogative. At first they were asking me questions that seemed to understand my situation better, and then it seemed like they were asking questions to try to trip me up. I felt like I was on the witness stand, being cross-examined.

我了解、知情并同意, 我也做好了被教育的准备,但是... 某种程度上,给我的信息 就像事先安排好一样, 交织着偏见和夸张的统计数据。 我开始感觉像在被质问。 起初他们问的问题, 像是为了能够更好地理解我的情况, 但后来的问题却像是 有意引导我答错。 我感觉自己像在证人席上被盘问。

The doctor asked me about my partner. "How does he or she feel about all of this?" "Well, I've been with the same man for five years, and he fully supports any decision I make for my body." And he said, "Well, what happens in the future, if you change partners? What happens when that person wants children?" And I didn't quite know how to react to that, because what I was hearing was this doctor tell me that I'm supposed to disregard everything I believe if a partner demands children. So I told him not to worry about that. My stance on childbearing has always been first date conversation.

医生问了关于我伴侣的情况。 “他(她)的态度是怎么样的?” “我跟他在一起五年了, 他完全支持我 对自己身体的任何决定。” 他说:“好吧,如果将来 你换伴侣了怎么办? 万一那个伴侣想要孩子呢?" 我真的不知道怎么回应了, 因为我所听到的是, 这个医生认为,如果 伴侣想要孩子的话, 我就应该抛弃我的信仰, 所以我告诉他不要担心这些, 关于生小孩的态度,我一定会 在第一次约会的时候声明的。

He then asks me to consider how "in 20 years, you could really come to regret this" ... as though I hadn't. I told him, "OK, if I wake up one day and realize, you know, I wish I'd made a different decision back then, the truth is, I'd only removed a single path to parenthood. I never needed biology to form family anyway."

然后他又问我, 如果 20 年后你真的后悔了怎么办? 好像我一定会后悔似的。 我告诉他, “如果我有天醒来, 意识到 我希望当时做了一个不同的决定, 但其实我只是少了 一条通往做父母的路, 无论如何,我从不需要通过 生物血缘关系来组建家庭。”

And I would much rather deal with that any day than deal with one day waking up, realize I'd had a child that I didn't really want or was prepared to care for. Because one of these affects only me. The other affects a child, their development, their well-being --

我宁愿随时面对这件事, 而不是有天醒来, 意识到我有个孩子, 而我却不想要这个孩子,或者 还没准备好去照顾他(她)。 因为其中的一个选择 影响到的只有我。 而另一个选择则会影响到孩子, 包括孩子们的成长和幸福——

and human beings are not to be gambled with. He then tells me why no one was going to approve this procedure, certainly not he, because of a concept called medical paternalism, which allows him, as my well-informed provider, to make decisions for me ... based on his perception of my best interest, regardless of what I, as the patient, want or believe. He takes this opportunity to step out and discuss my case with my potential surgeon, and through the door, I hear him describe me as a little girl.

而孩子们从来不应该被拿来赌博。 然后他告诉我,为什么 没有人批准你这个手术, 当然不是他, 因为有个概念叫医学家长主义, 让这个见多识广的医生 作为我医学上的家长, 从而替我做决定... 基于他的角度,为我的利益 最大化进行考量, 却无视我这个病人 想要的或者相信的。 他借机出去, 与我的主刀医生讨论我的情况, 隔着门,我听到他把我 描述成一个小女孩。

I was so offended. I wanted to defend myself. I wanted to explicitly explain to each one of these providers how they were treating me, that it was belittling and sexist, and I didn't have to take it. But I did take it. I swallowed every sharp word in my throat, clenched my jaw, and instead answered each one of their condescending questions and statements. I had come here looking for objectivity and support and instead I felt dismissed and silenced, and I hated myself for it. I hated that I was letting people disrespect me repeatedly. But this was my one shot.

我特别生气。 我想要捍卫自己的权利。 我想向每个医生明确解释, 他们是怎么对我的, 贬低我,歧视我的性别, 我没有必要受这些气。 但我还是接受了。 我把每个刻薄的言语吞进肚子里, 咬紧牙关, 回应了他们每一个 傲慢的问题和陈述。 我来这里是寻找客观和支持的, 但我却感到了被驱逐和被迫沉默, 我讨厌这样的自己。 我讨厌自己让人们反复的不尊重我。 但这是我唯一的机会。

That was one of multiple consultations that I had to go to. At one point, I had seen five or six medical professionals in the same hour. The door to the exam room felt more like the door to a clown car. There's my primary, there's his colleague, the director, OK. It felt like I was asking them to infect me with smallpox instead of, I don't know, obtain birth control. But I didn't waver, and I was persistent, and I eventually convinced one of them to allow the procedure. And even as I am in the room, signing the consent forms and getting the hormone shots and tying up loose ends ... my doctor is shaking his head in disapproval. "You'll change your mind."

这也是我不得不参加 的多次咨询之一。 有一次,我在一个小时内 跟五到六个医疗专家会面。 通往检验室的门更像是小丑车的门。 有我的医生, 他的同事, 还有主任,好吧。 感觉好像是我要求他们让我感染天花, 而不是做节育。 但我不是摇摆不定的人, 我很坚持, 终于说服了一个医生同意做手术。 即使我在手术室里,在同意书上签字, 注射了荷尔蒙针,深呼吸准备的时候, 我的医生还在摇头表示不赞同。 “你会改变你的想法的。”

I never really understood how strongly this society clings to this role until I went through this. I experienced firsthand, repeatedly, how people, be it medical providers, colleagues, strangers, were literally unable to separate me being a woman from me being a mother. And I've always believed that having children was an extension of womanhood, not the definition. I believe that a woman's value should never be determined by whether or not she has a child, because that strips her of her entire identity as an adult unto herself. Women have this amazing ability to create life, but when we say that that is her purpose, that says that her entire existence is a means to an end.

我从来没有真正感受到 这个社会对母亲角色的执着, 直到我经历了这一切。 我不断的亲身经历, 医生, 同事,陌生人, 怎么也无法把我从一个 母亲和女人的身份中 区别开来。 我一直相信,生育子女 是女性身份的延伸而非定义。 我相信一个女人的价值 不应该以是否有孩子来判断, 因为这剥离了她作为成年人 的整个身份。 女人有创造生命的奇妙能力, 但当我们说这是她的目的的时候, 就是说她的存在 只是为了达到目的一种手段。

It's so easy to forget the roles that society places on us are so much more than mere titles. What about the weight that comes with them, the pressure to conform to these standards ... the fear associated with questioning them, and the desires that we cast aside to accept them? There are many paths to happiness and fulfillment. They all look very different, but I believe that every one is paved with the right to self-determination.

我们很容易忘记, 社会赋予我们的角色 远比头衔来的重要。 那么那些随角色而来的重量、 遵守规则的压力、 质疑他们带来的恐惧、 为接受他们而抛弃的欲望, 又该怎么办呢? 通往幸福和满足的路有很多。 它们看上去都不一样, 但我相信每个人 都能自主决定如何铺设这条路。

I want women to know that your choice to embrace or forego motherhood is not in any way tied to your worthiness or identity as spouses, as adults, or as women ... and there absolutely is a choice behind maternity, and it is yours and yours alone.

我想让女性们知道, 你是否选择作为一个母亲 和你的价值、 作为配偶、成人或者 女人的身份毫无关系... 在母性的背后绝对有一个选择, 它是属于你的, 仅仅属于你。

Thank you.

谢谢你们


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