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你的身份是你的超能力,而不是绊脚石!

发布者: 五毒 | 发布时间: 2021-10-28 00:53| 查看数: 69| 评论数: 0|

On the red tiles in my family s den I would dance and sing to the made-for-TV movie "Gypsy," starring Bette Midler. "I had a dream. A wonderful dream, papa." I would sing it with the urgency and the burning desire of a nine-year-old who did, in fact, have a dream.

在我家休息厅的红地砖上,我曾伴着电视上播放的电影《玫瑰舞后》又唱又跳,该电影是由贝特·米德勒主演的“我曾经有过梦想,一个美好的梦,爸爸。”我会带着一个九岁孩子怀有的迫切心情和强烈欲望歌唱。而事实上,我的确有一个梦想。

My dream was to be an actress. And it s true that I never saw anyone who looked like me in television or in films, and sure, my family and friends and teachers all constantly warned me that people like me didn t make it in Hollywood. But I was an American.

我的梦想是成为一名演员,而实际上,我从没有见过任何一个和我相像的人出现在电视或电影节目中。当然,我的家人,朋友和老师都经常提醒我,像我这样的人不会有机会进好莱坞。但我是个美国人。

I had been taught to believe that anyone could achieve anything regardless of the color of their skin, the fact that my parents immigrated from Honduras, the fact that I had no money. I didn t need my dream to be easy, I just needed it to be possible. And when I was 15, I got my first professional audition.

我所经历过的教育告诉我,无论肤色,每个人都有可能做成任何事。即便我的父母是洪都拉斯移民,尽管我没有钱。我不需要使我的梦想变得简单,我只希望它是可以被实现的。在我15岁那年,我得到了第一个正式试镜的机会。

It was a commercial for cable subscriptions or bail bonds, I don t really remember. What I do remember is that the casting director asked me, "Could you do that again, but just this time sound more Latina." "Um, OK. So you want me to do it in Spanish?" I asked. "No, no, do it in English, just sound Latina."

这是一条关于电视节目订阅或保释金的广告,我记得不是很具体了。我能记得的是,选角色的导演问过我,“你能再来一遍吗?希望这次听起来更加有拉丁裔的感觉。”“嗯,好的,所以你希望我用西班牙语重复一遍?”我问。“哦不,用英语,只是听起来像拉丁美洲的英语。”

"Well, I am a Latina, so isn t this what a Latina sounds  like?" There was a long and awkward silence, and then finally, "OK, sweetie, never mind, thank you for coming in, bye!" It took me most of the car ride home to realize that by "sound more Latina" she was asking me to speak in broken English.

“呃,我就是拉丁裔,我说的不像吗?”过了一段长时间尴尬的沉默后,她终于说,“好的,亲爱的,不用在意,谢谢你能来试镜,再见!”直到我坐车回到家以后,我才明白“听起来更拉丁美洲”代表她希望让我讲蹩脚的英语。

And I couldn t figure out why the fact that I was an actual, real-life, authentic Latina didn t really seem to matter. Anyway, I didn t get the job. I didn t get a lot of the jobs, people were willing to see me for: the gang-banger s girlfriend, the sassy shoplifter, pregnant chola number two.

我不能明白为什么她并不在意我是一个真正的拉丁裔的事实。长话短说,我并没有得到这份工作。我错失了很多机会,那些人更希望看到我饰演:混混的女朋友,时髦霸气的扒手,第二位拉美孕妇。

These were the kinds of roles that existed for someone like me. Someone they looked at and saw as too brown, too fat, too poor, too unsophisticated. These roles were stereotypes and couldn t have been further from my own reality or from the roles I dreamt of playing.

就好像生来就有角色给像我这样的人。像我这样,看起来皮肤太黑,太胖,太穷,太肤浅,不够老练。这些角色是人们的刻板印象,离真实的我,或者是离我梦想的角色相隔甚远。

I wanted to play people who were complex and multidimensional, people who existed in the center of their own lives. Not cardboard cutouts that stood in the background of someone else s. But when I dared to say that to my manager that s the person I pay to help me find opportunity, his response was, "Someone has to tell that girl she has unrealistic expectations."

我希望我饰演的角色性格丰富,是自己人生的主角,不是什么人肉背景或路人甲。但当我大胆向我的经纪人,我雇佣来帮我寻找演出机会的人反映时,他对此的反应是,“必须要有个人来告诉这个女孩,她的期待太不切实际了。”

And he wasn t wrong. I mean, I fired him, but he wasn t wrong. that wasn t a poorly written stereotype, I would hear, "We re not looking to cast this role diversely." Or, "We love her, but she s too specifically ethnic." Or, "Unfortunately, we already have one Latino in this movie." I kept receiving the same message again and again and again.

他并没有错。虽然我解雇了他,但他并没有错。每当我尝试去得到一个并非刻板,可怜的角色时,我通常会听到:“我们不准备改变这个角色的特点,“或是“我们喜爱这个角色,但是她的种族太特殊了。”或者是“非常不幸,我们的电影里已经有拉丁美裔演员了。”我一遍又一遍的收到这样的信息。

That my identity was an obstacle, I had to overcome. And so I thought, "Come at me, obstacle. I m an American. My name is America. I trained my whole life for this, I ll just follow the playbook, I ll work harder." And so I did, I worked my hardest to overcome all the things that people said were wrong with me.

这告诉我,我的身份特征是我必须跨越过的障碍。所以我想:“让苦难来得更猛烈些吧。我是美国人,我的名字是艾美莉卡(America)。我的一生都在为此做准备,我会循规蹈矩,我会更加努力。”我这么做了,我尽了最大的努力来克服人们反对的声音。

I stayed out of the sun so that my skin wouldn t get too brown, I straightened my curls into submission. I constantly tried to lose weight, I bought fancier and more expensive clothes. All so that when people looked at me, they wouldn t see a too fat, too brown, too poor Latina. They would see what I was capable of.

我几乎不站在阳光下,只为了让我的皮肤不会太黑,我拉直了我原本的卷发。我一直在减肥,我买那些更花哨并且更昂贵的衣服。这都是为了当人们再看到我时,他们见到的不会是一个太胖,太黑,太穷的拉丁美洲人。他们会见到一个我能展现出来的符合他们要求的人,

And maybe they would give me a chance. And in an ironic twist of fate when I finally did get a role that would make all my dreams come true, it was a role that required me to be exactly who I was. Ana in "Real Women Have Curves" was a brown, poor, fat Latina.

这样也许他们会给我一个机会。讽刺的是,在命运的转折点我终于得到了一个让我能圆梦的角色,这是一个要求我本色出演的角色。《真女有型》中的安娜,一个黑皮肤,贫穷,丰腴的拉丁美洲女人。

I had never seen anyone like her, anyone like me, existing in the center of her own life story. I traveled throughout the US and to multiple countries with this film where people regardless of their age, ethnicity, body type, saw themselves in Ana. A 17-year-old chubby Mexican American girl struggling against cultural norms to fulfill her unlikely dream.

我从未看见过任何活在自己书写的生命故事中的人,像她一样,像我一样。我曾和这部电影在美国和其他国家四处宣传,人们在安娜身上都能看到他们自己,无论年龄,无论肤色,无论体型。一个胖乎乎的17岁墨西哥裔美国女孩,为了实现她看似遥远的梦,和世俗对抗着。

In spite of what I had been told my whole life, I saw firsthand that people actually did want to see stories about people like me. And that my unrealistic expectations to see myself authentically represented in the culture were other people s expectations, too. "Real Women Have Curves" was a critical, cultural and financial success.

尽管我常被他人评头论足,我知道人们还是会想要看和我一样的人的生活。我那些不切实际的,想要在世俗文化中看到真实的自我,也是其他人的期望。《真女有型》是一个带有批判性的,有文化底蕴的,经济上的成功。

"Great," I thought, "We did it! We proved our stories have value. Things are going to change now." But I watched as very little happened. There was no watershed. No one in the industry was rushing to tell more stories about the audience that was hungry  and willing to pay to see them.

“太好了,”我想,“我们做到了!我们证明了我们的故事有某些价值。事情将会一点点变好。”但是我没有看到任何改变,并没有什么转折点。在这个行业的人,没有一个急着要去讲更多的故事,讲那些观众们渴望听,也愿意付钱去看的故事。

Four years later, when I got to play Ugly Betty, I saw the same phenomenon play out. "Ugly Betty" premiered in the US to 16 million viewers and was nominated for 11 Emmys  in its first year. But in spite of Ugly Betty s success, there would not be another television show led by a Latina actress on American television for eight years.

四年后,当我可以扮演《丑女贝蒂》里的人物,同样的现象依然存在。《丑女贝蒂》在上映的第一年仅在美国就有一千六百万次观看,还在艾美奖获得了11项提名。尽管如此,在之后的8年里,再没有另一部由一位拉丁美裔演员主演的电视节目出现在美国电视节目里。

It s been 12 years since I became the first and only Latina to ever win an Emmy in a lead category. That is not a point of pride. That is a point of deep frustration. Not because awards prove our worth,  but because who we see thriving in the world teaches us how to see ourselves, how to think about our own value, how to dream about our futures.

现在离我成为第一也仅此一位的拉丁美裔艾美奖获得者已经过去12年了。这不是一个应该值得骄傲的事情。这使我感到深深的失望。不是因为奖项才能够证明我们的价值,而是因为那些闪闪发光的人物能教会我们如何看待自己,教会我们思考自己的价值,教会我们如何去梦想未来。

And anytime I begin to doubt that, I remember that there was a little girl living in the Swat Valley of Pakistan. And somehow, she got her hands on some DVDs of an American television show in which she saw her own dream of becoming a writer reflected. In her autobiography, Malala wrote, "I had become interested in journalism after seeing how my own words could make a difference and also from watching the "Ugly Betty" DVDs about life at an American magazine."

每当我开始质疑这句话,我都会想起那个住在巴基斯坦斯瓦特谷的小女孩,每当她将手放在一堆美国电视节目的DVD光盘上,都会看到她的梦想成真。马拉拉在她的自传里写道,“在看见了我的话语能做出怎样的改变,并且看了关于在美国杂志社工作的剧集《丑女贝蒂》的光盘后,我对新闻业产生了兴趣。”

For 17 years of my career, I have witnessed the power our voices have when they can access presence in the culture. I ve seen it. I ve lived it, we ve all seen it. In entertainment, in politics, in business, in social change. We cannot deny it, presence creates possibility. But for the last 17 years, I ve also heard the same excuses for why some of us can access presence in the culture and some of us can t.

我在职场的这17年,我见证了我们的声音是如何在这个文化中迸发出力量的。我见过。我生活中有过,我们都见过。在娱乐圈,在政界,在商业中,在社会变革里。我们不能否认——存在就能创造可能。但是在过去的17年里,我还是听到过相同的理由,关于为什么有些人能够在这个文化中露面,有些人却不能。

Our stories don t have an audience, our experiences won t resonate in the mainstream, our voices are too big a financial risk. Just a few years ago, my agent called to explain to me why I wasn t getting a role in a movie. He said, "They loved you and they really, really do want to cast diversely, but the movie isn t financeable until they cast the white role first."

我们的故事没有观众,我们的经历和主流无法共鸣,我们的声音会为电影带来财务问题。就在几年前,我的代理人打电话来解释为什么我没有获得一个电影中的角色。他说:“他们很喜欢你,他们也真的希望演员来自各个国家各个文化,但是不将白人演员先招全,这部电影就无法获得足够的钱。”

He delivered the message with a broken heart, and with a tone that communicated "I understand how messed up this is." But nonetheless, just like hundreds of times before, I felt the tears roll down my face. And the pang of rejection rise up in me, and then the voice of shame scolding me, "You are a grown woman, stop crying over a job."

他心碎地将这个消息传达给我,用一种“我理解这简直是糟透了”的语气。尽管如此,就像之前数不清的情况一样,我感受到了眼泪慢慢流过我的脸颊。被拒绝的痛苦在我心中升起,羞愧的声音谴责我:“你是个成年女性了,别为了一个工作而流泪。”

I went through this process for years of accepting the failure as my own and then feeling deep shame that I couldn t overcome the obstacles. But this time, I heard a new voice. A voice that said, "I m tired. I ve had enough." A voice that understood my tears and my pain were not about losing a job. They were about what was actually being said about me.

几年过去了,我一直在努力接受我自己的失败,同时为我不能克服这些困难而感到羞愧难当。不同的是,这一次我听到了新的声音。这个声音说:“我累了,我受够了。”这个声音能够理解我的眼泪和痛苦不是因为我失去了一份工作,而是别人对我说的话。

What had been said about me, my whole life by executives and producers and directors and writers and agents and managers and teachers, and friends and family. That I was a person of less value. I thought sunscreen and straightening irons would bring about change in this deeply entrenched value system. But what I realized in that moment was that I was never actually asking the system to change.

那些关于我整个人生,从行政高层到制片人,从导演到剧作家,到代理人和经纪人,再到老师,朋友,和家人说的话,“我是个没什么价值的人。”我以为防晒霜和直发棒可以给这个深深定型的价值系统带来些改变。但是那一刻我醒悟了,其实我从来没有要这个系统做出改变。

I was asking it to let me in, and those aren t the same thing. I couldn t change what a system believed about me while I believed what the system believed about me. And I did. I, like everyone around me, believed that it wasn t possible for me to exist in my dream as I was. And I went about trying to make myself invisible.

我一直在恳请他们让我进入这个系统,这是不同的。如果我相信这个系统对我的看法,那我就没能力做出改变。是这样的。我,就像所有在我身边的人一样,相信我不可能变成梦想中的我。我一直在隐藏自己的想法。

What this revealed to me was that it is possible to be the person who genuinely wants to see change while also being the person whose actions keep things the way they are. And what it s led me to believe is that change isn t going to come by identifying the good guys and the bad guys. That conversation lets us all off the hook. Because most of us are neither one of those.

这个想法向我揭示了一点,在我的言行举止不变的同时,我也可以是那个我一直想成为的人。这个想法也让我相信,判断好人坏人不能带来任何改变。这次谈话使我们都得以脱身,因为大多数人都不是其中的一个。

Change will come when each of us has the courage to question our own fundamental values and beliefs. And then see to it that our actions lead to our best intentions. I am just one of millions of people who have been told that in order to fulfill my dreams, in order to contribute my talents to the world I have to resist the truth of who I am.

在我们有足够的勇气质疑我们根本的价值观和信念的时候,改变就会到来。然后我们就可以看到我们通过行动实现了目标。很多人都被告知如果要实现梦想,为世界贡献自己的力量,就必须掩盖真实的自我,而我正是其中的一员。

I for one, am ready to stop resisting and to start existing as my full and authentic self. If I could go back and say anything to that nine-year-old dancing in the den, dreaming her dreams,  I would say, my identity is not my obstacle. My identity is my superpower. Because the truth is, I am what the world looks like.

我已经准备好接纳自己,展现完全真实的自己。如果我可以回过头去,对那个在红砖上跳舞,做梦的九岁小女孩说些什么,我会告诉她,你的身份特征不是你的绊脚石,你的身份特征是你的超能力。因为事情的真相是,我就是世界的样子。

You are what the world looks like. Collectively, we are what the world actually looks like. And in order for our systems to reflect that,  they don t have to create a new reality. They just have to stop resisting the one we already live in.

你就是世界的样子。所有人在一起就是世界真正的样子。为了使我们的制度可以反映出这一点,他们不需要创造一个新的现实,他们只需要面对现实。

Thank you.

谢谢。


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