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[TED] 【TED】如何帮助画家寻找不完整中的美

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发表于 2017-11-10 12:25:24 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式



00:12

I'm a painter. I make large-scale figurative paintings, which means I paint people like this. But I'm here tonight to tell you about something personal that changed my work and my perspective. It's something we all go through, and my hope is that my experience may be helpful to somebody.

00:34

To give you some background on me, I grew up the youngest of eight. Yes, eight kids in my family. I have six older brothers and a sister. To give you a sense of what that's like, when my family went on vacation, we had a bus.

00:52

My supermom would drive us all over town to our various after-school activities -- not in the bus. We had a regular car, too. She would take me to art classes, and not just one or two. She took me to every available art class from when I was eight to 16, because that's all I wanted to do. She even took a class with me in New York City.

01:17

Now, being the youngest of eight, I learned a few survival skills. Rule number one: don't let your big brother see you do anything stupid. So I learned to be quiet and neat and careful to follow the rules and stay in line.

01:33

But painting was where I made the rules. That was my private world. By 14, I knew I really wanted to be an artist. My big plan was to be a waitress to support my painting. So I continued honing my skills. I went to graduate school and I got an MFA, and at my first solo show, my brother asked me, "What do all these red dots mean next to the paintings?" Nobody was more surprised than me. The red dots meant that the paintings were sold and that I'd be able to pay my rent with painting. Now, my apartment had four electrical outlets, and I couldn't use a microwave and a toaster at the same time, but still, I could pay my rent. So I was very happy.

02:19

Here's a painting from back around that time. I needed it to be as realistic as possible. It had to be specific and believable. This was the place where I was isolated and in total control.

02:35

Since then, I've made a career of painting people in water. Bathtubs and showers were the perfect enclosed environment. It was intimate and private, and water was this complicated challenge that kept me busy for a decade. I made about 200 of these paintings, some of them six to eight feet, like this one. For this painting, I mixed flour in with the bathwater to make it cloudy and I floated cooking oil on the surface and stuck a girl in it, and when I lit it up, it was so beautiful I couldn't wait to paint it. I was driven by this kind of impulsive curiosity, always looking for something new to add: vinyl, steam, glass. I once put all this Vaseline in my head and hair just to see what that would look like. Don't do that.

03:29

So it was going well. I was finding my way. I was eager and motivated and surrounded by artists, always going to openings and events. I was having some success and recognition and I moved into an apartment with more than four outlets. My mom and I would stay up very late talking about our latest ideas and inspiring each other. She made beautiful pottery.

03:56

I have a friend named Bo who made this painting of his wife and I dancing by the ocean, and he called it "The Light Years." I asked him what that meant, and he said, "Well, that's when you've stepped into adulthood, you're no longer a child, but you're not yet weighed down by the responsibilities of life." That was it. It was the light years.

04:18

On October 8, 2011, the light years came to an end. My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. It had spread to her bones, and it was in her brain. When she told me this, I fell to my knees. I totally lost it. And when I got myself together and I looked at her, I realized, this isn't about me. This is about figuring out how to help her. My father is a doctor, and so we had a great advantage having him in charge, and he did a beautiful job taking care of her. But I, too, wanted to do everything I could to help, so I wanted to try everything. We all did. I researched alternative medicines, diets, juicing, acupuncture. Finally, I asked her, "Is this what you want me to do?" And she said, "No." She said, "Pace yourself. I'm going to need you later."

05:15

She knew what was happening, and she knew what the doctors and the experts and the internet didn't know: how she wanted to go through this. I just needed to ask her. I realized that if I tried to fix it, I would miss it. So I just started to be with her, whatever that meant and whatever situation came up, just really listen to her. If before I was resisting, then now I was surrendering, giving up trying to control the uncontrollable and just being there in it with her. Time slowed down, and the date was irrelevant.

05:56

We developed a routine. Early each morning I would crawl into bed with her and sleep with her. My brother would come for breakfast and we'd be so glad to hear his car coming up the driveway. So I'd help her up and take both her hands and help her walk to the kitchen. She had this huge mug she made she loved to drink her coffee out of, and she loved Irish soda bread for breakfast. Afterwards was the shower, and she loved this part. She loved the warm water, so I made this as indulgent as I could, like a spa. My sister would help sometimes. We had warm towels and slippers ready immediately so she never got cold for a second. I'd blow-dry her hair. My brothers would come in the evenings and bring their kids, and that was the highlight of her day.

06:50

Over time, we started to use a wheelchair, and she didn't want to eat so much, and she used the tiniest little teacup we could find to drink her coffee. I couldn't support her myself anymore, so we hired an aide to help me with the showers.

07:08

These simple daily activities became our sacred ritual, and we repeated them day after day as the cancer grew. It was humbling and painful and exactly where I wanted to be. We called this time "the beautiful awful."

07:28

She died on October 26, 2012. It was a year and three weeks after her diagnosis. She was gone. My brothers, sister, and father and I all came together in this supportive and attentive way. It was as though our whole family dynamic and all our established roles vanished and we were just all together in this unknown, feeling the same thing and taking care of each other. I'm so grateful for them.

08:04

As someone who spends most of my time alone in a studio working, I had no idea that this kind of connection could be so important, so healing. This was the most important thing. It was what I always wanted.

08:20

So after the funeral, it was time for me to go back to my studio. So I packed up my car and I drove back to Brooklyn, and painting is what I've always done, so that's what I did. And here's what happened. It's like a release of everything that was unraveling in me. That safe, very, very carefully rendered safe place that I created in all my other paintings, it was a myth. It didn't work. And I was afraid, because I didn't want to paint anymore.

09:02

So I went into the woods. I thought, I'll try that, going outside. I got my paints, and I wasn't a landscape painter, but I wasn't really much of any kind of painter at all, so I had no attachment, no expectation, which allowed me to be reckless and free. I actually left one of these wet paintings outside overnight next to a light in the woods. By the morning it was lacquered with bugs. But I didn't care. It didn't matter. It didn't matter. I took all these paintings back to my studio, and scraped them, and carved into them, and poured paint thinner on them, put more paint on top, drew on them. I had no plan, but I was watching what was happening.

09:50

This is the one with all the bugs in it. I wasn't trying to represent a real space. It was the chaos and the imperfections that were fascinating me, and something started to happen. I got curious again. This is another one from the woods.

10:10

There was a caveat now, though. I couldn't be controlling the paint like I used to. It had to be about implying and suggesting, not explaining or describing. And that imperfect, chaotic, turbulent surface is what told the story. I started to be as curious as I was when I was a student.

10:33

So the next thing was I wanted to put figures in these paintings, people, and I loved this new environment, so I wanted to have both people and this atmosphere. When the idea hit me of how to do this, I got kind of nauseous and dizzy, which is really just adrenaline, probably, but for me it's a really good sign.

10:56

And so now I want to show you what I've been working on. It's something I haven't shown yet, and it's like a preview, I guess, of my upcoming show, what I have so far. Expansive space instead of the isolated bathtub. I'm going outside instead of inside. Loosening control, savoring the imperfections, allowing the -- allowing the imperfections. And in that imperfection, you can find a vulnerability. I could feel my deepest intention, what matters most to me, that human connection that can happen in a space where there's no resisting or controlling. I want to make paintings about that.

11:50

So here's what I learned. We're all going to have big losses in our lives, maybe a job or a career, relationships, love, our youth. We're going to lose our health, people we love. These kinds of losses are out of our control. They're unpredictable, and they bring us to our knees. And so I say, let them. Fall to your knees. Be humbled. Let go of trying to change it or even wanting it to be different. It just is. And then there's space, and in that space feel your vulnerability, what matters most to you, your deepest intention. And be curious to connect to what and who is really here, awake and alive. It's what we all want.

12:52

Let's take the opportunity to find something beautiful in the unknown, in the unpredictable, and even in the awful.

13:03

Thank you.

00:12

我是一名画家。 我专攻大型具象绘画, 也就是说,我画的人物 都是这样的。 但是我今天来这里, 是想和大家分享 一些改变了我的 作品和想法的私事。 这是我们都曾经历过的事, 我希望我的经历会对 更多的人有所帮助。

00:34

首先从我的背景说起, 我是家里八个孩子中最小的。 是的,我们家中有八个孩子。 我有六个哥哥和一个姐姐。 为了给你们一种 更加直观的感觉, 我们家出游度假, 都是用大巴的。

00:52

我的超级妈妈会开车 把我们送往城中各处, 送我们去参加 各自的课后活动- 不是用大巴。 我们家也是有普通车的。 她会把我送去美术课, 各种美术课。 在我八岁到十六岁之间,她让 我参加所有能参加的美术课。 因为那确实是我想做的。 她甚至在纽约城里 和我一起上课。

01:17

作为家中最小的孩子, 我学会了一些生存技能。 规则一: 永远别让你的哥哥们 看见你做傻事。 所以我学会了 安静与干净, 小心行事,遵守规矩。

01:33

但是在绘画的世界中 就是我说了算。 那是我的自我世界。 我十四岁大的时候 就决心做一名画家。 我的宏伟计划是准备当一名 服务生来支持我的绘画开支。 我持续磨练我的技能。 我进入了研究生院 并获得了硕士学位, 在我第一次个人展中, 我的哥哥问我, “那些画旁边的 红点是什么意思?” 没人比我更加惊讶了。 那些红点意味着 画已经卖出, 我也就有能力支付 我绘画的贷款了。 那时,我的公寓有四个插座, 没法同时使用微波炉和烤面包机, 但是, 我至少可以付清我的租金了。 所以我很开心。

02:19

这是一幅我当时的绘画作品。 我希望画中的形象越真实越好。 形象必须要具体且令人信服。 这是一个让我感到独立, 感到有掌控感的地方。

02:35

自此,我开始专攻描绘水中的人们。 浴缸和淋浴是完美的封闭环境。 这些让人们感到亲密而隐秘, 水这个复杂的挑战 也让我忙了有十年。 我创作了大约200幅 这样的作品, 其中一些有6到8英寸大, 就跟这幅差不多。 为了这幅画,我把面粉撒进洗澡水, 让它看起来烟雾缭绕, 然后在表面浮上一层烹饪油, 再放上一个女孩, 当我把它照亮, 那画面太美了, 我都等不及马上要去画。 我被这种冲动的好奇心所驱使, 总在寻找画作的新元素: 黑胶唱片,水蒸气,玻璃。 我曾经把凡士林涂得头上到处都是, 就为了看看效果。 千万别那么做。

03:29

一切都进行的很顺利。 我找到了自己的风格, 被其他的画家包围着, 我是如此渴望,如此充满动力, 我去参加各种开幕式和活动。 我取得了更多的成功和认可, 所以我能够搬到一个 不止四个插座的公寓里去。 我和妈妈会熬夜谈论 我们的最新想法, 从而激励对方。 她做的陶器很美。

03:56

我有一个叫博的朋友, 他画了一幅画, 描绘了我和他的妻子 在海边跳舞。 他给这幅画取名叫《光年》。 我问他那是什么意思, 他回答说: “嗯,当你已经步入成年, 你就不再是一个孩子, 但你还没有权衡好生活的责任。” 就是这个,这就是光年。

04:18

2011年10月8日, 光年终于来到了尾声。 我妈被诊断出了肺癌。 癌已经扩散到骨髓和大脑。 当她告诉我这件事时, 我跪倒了。 我完全不知所措。 当我整理好头绪,望向她, 我意识到我不是重点, 重点是如何帮助她。 我的父亲是一名医生, 所以让他负责治疗有很多好处, 他很好的照料了她。 但是,我也想尽一切努力帮助她, 我想尝试任何可能。 我们都这样做了。 我调查了其他可行的药物, 饮食,果汁,针灸。 终于,我问她, “这是你想让我为你做的吗?” 她说:“不。” 她说:“做你该做的, 我以后会需要你的。”

05:15

她知道正在发生的一切, 她还知道医生, 专家和网络不知道的: 她自己想要怎样度过这一切。 我需要的仅仅是问她就好。 我意识到如果我想要修复这一切, 我就会错过这一切。 所以我决定守护在她身边。 不管情况变得怎样, 我需要去听她的想法。 以前我会抗拒, 但之后我开始屈服, 放弃尝试去控制 那些不可控的东西。 我就在那儿,和她在一起。 时间放慢了脚步, 日期开始变得模糊。

05:56

我们设计了新的日常。 每天早上我都会拱进 她的被窝和她一起。 我哥哥会 过来一起吃早饭, 当听见他的车驶入车道, 我们会很开心。 我就会握住她的双手, 扶她起来, 带她走到厨房。 她有这样一个自己做的大马克杯, 她喜欢把一大杯咖啡都喝掉, 她也喜欢早餐的爱尔兰苏打面包。 之后就是洗澡, 这是她钟爱的环节。 她享受温暖的水浴, 我会尽量帮她放松, 像做 spa 一样。 我的姐姐有时会来帮忙。 我们会快速准备好 温暖的毛巾和拖鞋, 这样她就不会着凉。 我会吹干她的头发。 到了晚上, 哥哥们会带着他们的孩子来, 那是她一天当中最精彩的部分。

06:50

一段时间以后,我们开始使用轮椅, 她不再吃那么多, 她使用我们能找到的 最小的茶杯来喝咖啡。 我一个人已经不足以支持她了, 所以我们雇了一个助手 来帮助我为她洗澡。

07:08

这些简单的日常活动, 逐渐变成了一种神圣的仪式, 随着癌症的扩散, 我们日复一日的重复这些日常。 我们承受着痛苦和卑微, 但也正是我愿意经受的。 我们把这称为“美丽的痛楚“。

07:28

她死于2012年10月26日。 这是离她诊断出癌症 一年零三周之后。 她离开了。 我的哥哥们,姐姐,父亲还有我, 大家一起以这种支持 和关爱的方式一路走来。 那就好像是我们整个家庭的动力, 突然我们所有的角色都消失了, 我们就一起面对这全新的未知, 怀着相同的感受, 照顾彼此。 我真心感激他们。

08:04

作为一个大部分时间都独自 待在画室工作的人, 我以前对这种联系感 如此重要,如此治愈的联系感, 毫无概念。 这是最重要的事情。 这就是我一直追寻的。

08:20

在葬礼之后, 我就该回到我的画室了。 所以我就收拾好车, 开回了布鲁克林, 绘画是我一直以来从事的, 也是我之后会一直做的。 然后一些事情发生了: 我感到了身体中的释放感。 那个我在其他画作中, 精心创造出的安全之地, 烟消云散。 它不再起作用了。 我很害怕, 我不想再画下去了。

09:02

所以我跑进了小树林里。 我想着,尝试出去画。 我带上颜料, 但我并非风景画家, 其实我什么画家也不是, 没有附属感,没有期望感, 这让我可以完全自由, 不计后果地创作。 我留了一副未干的画, 在外面过夜, 把它放在了 小树林中一盏路灯的旁边。 等到第二天早上很多 虫子都被漆在画里了。 但我并不关心, 我对此感到毫无所谓。 我把这些画都带回了我的画室, 我在画上进行刮刻, 我把涂料稀释剂倒在画上, 倒更多的染料在上面, 在顶层作画。 我毫无计划, 但我看到了发生的一切。

09:50

这就是当时那幅有 好多小虫在里面的画。 我没有尝试去创作真实的空间。 是其中的混乱感和 不完整感让我感到着迷, 随后一些事情发生了。 我的好奇心回来了。 这是在小树林里的另一幅画。

10:10

不过现在多了一份解释。 我无法像以前一样 去控制我所画的。 我需要去暗示,启发, 而非解释,描述。 那不完美的,混沌的, 湍流的表面 给我们讲述了故事的经过。 我开始变得好奇, 就像我学生时代那样。

10:33

所以,我开始想把人物 放进这些绘画当中, 我喜欢这个新的环境, 我希望人物和这环境融为一体。 当这种想法降临, 我感到了恶心和眩晕, 可能只是因为肾上腺素的原因, 但这对我来说是一个好的迹象。

10:56

所以,我现在想展示给 你们我最近从事的作品。 这是一些我还没来得及 展示的,我想,就把它当作 我即将到来的画展预告吧。 迄今为止, 这广阔的空间, 而非孤立的浴室。 我要出去,而非进来。 放开控制感, 体味不完整, 允许- 允许那些不完整。 在那些不完整中, 你能找寻到脆弱。 我能感知到我最深处 的意图,对我最重要的, 是那些发生在开阔空间 中的,毫无抵抗和控制的, 人与人之间的联系。 我想要对此作画。

11:50

这就是我学到的。 我们都会经历人生中的重创, 也许是一份工作,事业, 关系,爱,我们的青春。 我们终究丧失健康, 我们爱的人。 这些失去都不是 我们能控制的。 它们是无法预测的, 它们让我们跪倒在地, 所以我说,让它们来吧。 跪倒在地,变得谦逊。 我们应该放弃改变它, 或是希望它变得不同。 让它那样吧。 在那种时刻, 尝试感知你的脆弱, 去想对你最重要的事, 你心底的意图。 抱着好奇的心里, 与周围活生生的事物和人, 联系起来。 这就是我们所需要的。

12:52

让我们把握机会, 去发现那些存在于 未知,不可预测, 甚至可怕的事物中的美吧!

13:03

谢谢。

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